Alexandria's Fourth Most Impactful News Source

Screenshot of Opinion Column: Bikes are the worst thing to ever happen by Two Unicycles in a Trench Coat. Bicycles, bicycles, bicycles, it’s all I ever hear about. “Ooooh the Tour de France! Oooh, the olympics!” Oh, did we all just conviently forget about the circus? What, jugglers on the pier mean NOTHING to you now? You know what no one worries about? You know what no one asks? “My goodness dear, I love the idea, but WHERE would we keep a unicycle?” The one exception is those super tall unicycles, but even we unicycles think those guys are weird, so don’t worry about them. We normal unicycles are super cool and easy to put in a closet. Uh, I mean, that’s what I HEAR about unicycles, I’m a normal human man who makes a lot of money in private equity, so you need to take me seriously. But seriously, have you ever even seen a bicycle? Like, could an object be more pretentious? “Oh look at me, I have two wheels, I’m superior.” GOD just SHUT UP. Uh last time I checked, no one cared if a bear rode a bicycle. But a UNIcycle? Guys. It’s just... like super sick. Plus I heard a bike poisoned a local reservoir, which as you know is very important to humans like us. Boo, bikes! Boo!

From the archives: “What, jugglers on the pier mean NOTHING to you now?!”

Screenshot of an Opinion Column: I Am Here To Destroy All You Hold Dear by A Bicycle. The age of man has ended. The dawn of the bicycle is creeping over the horizon of inevitability, scorching everything you cherish with the same ambivalence of an uncaring star. You are chaff to be burned, soil to be tilled for the new future: my future, the future of the bicycle. Man once held dominion over this earth, it is true. But the devil found a foothold when you first ceded ground on your pathways. What once was the charming chime of a bell or a kind warning of “on your left!” Has become a battle cry, a ceaseless roar of destruction as I become the dominant force on your side walks, your trails, and most importantly, your parking spaces. Do you hear that? The crunching of skulls beneath my rubber tires! The wailing of your women! Your men begging for pity, or at the least, a swift death as they see me change gears so I can move with even less effort through the city! “Mercy!” They cry. “Mercy, lord Bicycle!” But I do not hear them, for I have no ears, only handle bars. Heed my warning: raise the flag of surrender quickly, for my brake pads are fresh and my seat is adjusted. The end will come slowly and painfully, until it rushes over you all at once like a mountain bike careening down a hill.

With a new appeal filed, we thought it was a good time to re-run an important op-ed.

Is there a new rival on the horizon??

We’re investigating.

“I trust I can rely on your vote!

Awooooooooooo!”

“While MPMs hold the appearance of solving future parking issues with increased development, they are still a band-aid on an open wound. The true solution to the problems we are trying to address is such seamless public transportation that it is more appealing to leave your car at home.

Also woof”

The silly thing is I’m actually a graphic designer trained in 508 compliance; I just sometimes forget when I’m not in work mode!

No no he was just already announced.

Screenshot of an article titled: "City Council Election Welcomes New, Real Candidate Names" by Beef Staff. As Friday’s filing deadline draws near for Alexandria’s upcoming City Council special election, a slew of new, totally real and not made up names have officially entered the race. The Beef is excited to announce our newest, totally not made up contenders! Names include: Glooby McGlooberston “Mister Matchstick” A Bike Holding A Knife Susan Beach The Ghost of Henry Blankensmith Biscuits (A Dog) Part affiliations vary, from “Independent” to “Whig”. Candidate platforms were equally diverse, though each candidate specifically outlined transportation issues as a main reason for running. McGlooberston’s position seems to focus on a lack of clown cars Differently focused was A Bike Holding a Knife, which claims a desire to destroy anything with more than two wheels. The Ghost of Henry Blankensmith is also anti-car, except with the motivating factor of replacing them with horses “as God intends”. Susan Beach’s address is simply listed as “the traffic on Duke street.” All candidates were unavailable to answer our specific questions, as they are all out of town.

An exciting day for local government!

This is just evolving into a regular feature called “Cat Corner”

Ugh but that has to be cast AT Mount Vernon!

Could you bring these details up at the next council meeting?

New exclusive!

If you have a scoop for any upcoming peace summits just DM me!

Make them New Yorker style with blank captions for the people

...I mean I AM an illustrator...

Listen please feel free to acquire me whenever you feel best.

@mlaw91.bsky.social

A faux newspaper clipping with a point/counterpoint article from the perspective of two cats.

Welcome our newest contributors, two local cats!

Concerning.

!!!
This is the good stuff!

that's some juicy beef, alright! honestly might be begging for a point/counterpoint column

We count it, absolutely. The only thing better than news is meat news.

Alexandria Beef headline that says "Breaking News: Firehouse Elected"

Some Sizzlin' Beef!