sleve mcdichael

waiting for my chance to say “[opp’s name]? wow, I haven’t heard that name in years”

bailiff: all flies

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court—
BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

out: tattoos
in: dipping yourself in hot vinegar water and food coloring like an easter egg

new hair trend forecast: business on the left party on the right

yes 😔

dropping out of law school à la spencer shay

being a hot guy named Trevor is diabolical — what is this, 2003?

if this gets 1000 likes I’m legally changing my last name to Cranberry

a cat dressed in a suit at the kitchen table with a teacup and saucer and the newspaper. the caption reads: "I should immersion blender more things."

sure she’s a bitch, but can you blame her?

I’m a beatles guy now sorry

I’ve watched enough derry girls to give my inner monologue an irish accent

it only took almost a decades worth of flights for me to like biscoff

no feeling better than waving at a baby and the baby waving back 🥹🥹🥹

merry christmas here’s a framed printout of all your worst tweets from when you were 19

I’m kinda loving kim k’s girlboss lawyer show and it’s probably because I’m fucked in the head

WikiHow webpage titled “How to Change Your Whole Personality”

doing some research for my new year’s resolution!

Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing

Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing https://theonion.com/thanksgiving-conversation-devolves-into-just-stating-th-1840069525/

Okay but is he just wearing a nipple cover under a thin shirt

this just in: I’m dumber than I realized

titty/titty vision

can’t believe the title wasn’t “now you 3 me”

my ass? fatter. my enemies? sadder.

insane that I know so much about the us constitution now that shit’s for nerds

getting high and missing the charm of the Southwest

I may look like a girl who poops but I’m most definitely a bitch who shits

spugedi

as per my last email, you worthless piece of shit