nige [ham]

it’s only a crime of passion if i’m committing it

turning all the condoms inside out so they’re ribbed for my pleasure

You just know that some caveman, somewhere, smeared paint on his ass and then carefully pressed it against the wall of a cave.

Somewhere, there is a cave with a perfectly preserved ass print tens of thousands of years old.

they renamed it the Department of War so it would be that much easier to just add “Crimes” at the end of it

TURTLES:

-what are they hiding in there?
-crimes?

normalize and celebrate saying “I may not know enough about this topic to be able to comment, so I won’t.”

hahaha

I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Are you there God? What the fuck, man?

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?

Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

My daughter is a trans woman.

Here is a comprehensive list of people and institutions she's harming by identifying as a different gender than she did as a child:

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone

Teller: So is this not a robbery?

Me: No, it is

In honor of my birthday today, please be nice to someone like me who is also shocked to still be alive (it just keeps happening. So weird). Thank you

wishing the happiest of birthdays to @itsabbyyep.bsky.social! a great friend, brilliant writer, and all round wonderful person. have a great day, abby!

Please don’t be insensitive. Posting about what you enjoy is triggering to people who can’t enjoy anything

[coffee date]

ME: would you like some sugar?

HER: no thank you, i don’t believe in sugar

ME: *staring at the sugar packets* ok i’m not quite sure how to explain this to you…

(sea monster bio)

You've probably seen my writhing in The Atlantic

holding steady eye contact with you while you throw a grimace shake at my face and i swallow it perfectly

The Legends of Lunch

thinking of becoming an iconoclast

watching forensic files in the nude

same

i covet these pants

life is full of mystery and adventure when you're a dumb slut

tim capello, the greased up sensual sax man from the lost boys

i mean…

turns out im the only person in the sensual files

[office]
ME: how about a TV show produced by Dick Wolf and starring Cyndi Lauper called Crime After Crime
BOSS: I thought I fired you