Cosmic Clau

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

i have a way with dirt.

Interviewer: Can you tell me why you want to work for Auto Zone?

Me, on the phone: Sure thing! I just need to finish up with this customer call.

*twenty minutes later*

Me, still on the phone: ...

Interviewer: Impressive. You're hired!

I have a way with worms.

Paint chips in the skeets and paint chips in the sheets because my bed is where I eat them 😏

calm down it’s not spring until i shave the winter coat from my legs

The gap in my resume is from being released into the wild.

I don’t check my emails. Let fame find me at my door.

My brother used to call me a brain doner as an insult when I was small. We should use this more

A holepunch in your heart for each person loved throughout your life; a roll of tickets dispensed from the chest for admission into your life to walk among your challenges, rides, and haunted houses. Air is sweet with sugars and popcorn. You hear laughter even louder by the elephant ear stand

trying to follow my dreams
they took a bus somewhere

Got my worldview from some half read tabloid stories and some obscure Trotskyite pamphlet.

Look, I am going to need speakerphone to go away. Don't tell me you have no idea how ear buds or headphones work. If you use speakerphone out loud, people hate you. Same with keyboard clicky clacks. Are you a fictional cow trying to get heated blankets in the barn at the farm? Turn that shit off

The toll of cat and crow.

😂😂

Desperately trying to use my turtleneck to cover up my double chin, "does this shirt make me look like a spatula?"

If you ask Google what the actual fuck is happening in America AI has no answer.

Heh. I didn't like the last one. I probably won't like the next one. I definitely don't like this one.

Might drive past the gym today.

Not now babe, I'm raging against death-stage capitalism.

My superpower is noticing a typo ten minutes too late.

Realising a family gathering is like the Star Wars canteen.

a peace sign saying world stay in your pajamas day

this week was a month so im calling a stay in your pajamas day for tomorrow.

Look at a dog. He sees a squirrel, he barks. It’s real to him.

We see injustice, we… type an angry skeet. Then we go back to watching TV. If we don't stand on the couch and yell about it, the squirrel wins.

Be that dog, be vocal.

i think if dr seuss was alive to see such times he would have said fuck this shit but you know with rhymes

I talk a lot of shit for someone that’s a little daft.

i talk a lot of shit for someone who doesn't really talk a lot

I talk a lot of shit for someone who cries about intrusive thoughts

Twin Peaks title intro but instead it says “I’m here you fuckaas bitch”

a gofundme but for reposts