Abbi Crutchfield

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

Golden Retriever sitting at attention, wearing a tuxedo collar.

“Your slipper, sir.”
“Where is the other one, Alfred?”
“I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”

I’ve never been good at remembering idioms, but you can’t win a mall.

MAMDANIIIII

Goooood morning Vietnam.

I got you!

[wedding]

PRIEST: repeat after me

GROOM: after me

PRIEST: ... [to bride] is he serious

BRIDE: no his name is gary

Are there any two brothers more different than Tim Burton and Tyrese Hali-Burton?

“…But my nickname is also Stretch…”

Mr. Antiwar President has us inches away from a Civil War at home and a nuclear war abroad in defense of an ally that is starting random hot regional wars to detract from its ongoing genocide. I’m sure all of this will just naturally cool off.

The hardest part of being an NBA rookie is getting your team to call you by your old nickname, “Stretch.”

Unforgettable…🎶

I like the sound of the Tonya awards better.

My daughter’s face can unlock his phone too?!

At age seven, my daughter can unlock my phone with her face. I think it’s cool that we look alike, but I hate that it only works when she frowns.

Happy Spring! Not to brag, but I can sneeze just from looking at a picture of flowers.

I’m a private investigator with one client: myself.

I thought the answer would be as simple as they are mother and son, but there’s no connection whatsoever.

The girl from Regarding Henry and the kid from Ted Lasso are practically twins. I don’t have anyone to tell about this.

a man wearing a red and blue pyramid hat with the word devo behind him ALT: a man wearing a red and blue pyramid hat with the word devo behind him

Whippet good!

Now if TJ Maxx and Marshalls would roll back DEI I may finally be able to save for a vacation.

Strom Thurmond and Elon Musk both catching Ls. Rough night for racists.

Nosferatu dares to ask the question: what if vampires weren’t hot?

Home is where the head is

Leave Jaden alone. He’s got a lot on his mind.

Sorry, but too many Marks ruined it for the rest of them.

I attended one free event in NYC, and now I get invitations daily from the event platform that hosted it. This marketing is more persistent than church, with more opportunities than 12-step meetings. I’ll never be lonely again.

Happy Friday the 13th during the holiday season. Don’t worry; today Jason only murders people wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.