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i fear i might be losing the "i wont buy a switch 2 yet" battle with myself as everybody around me plays pokopia

i guess tomorrow is Upper Body Day.... 2!

tbf i thought i Shook It Off once i adjusted how i was landing on my feet bc the pain practically disappeared but uh. clearly that was just adrenaline from running or something. my mistakey

:( i did not listen to my knee on my run earlier today despite saying i would bc i was curious if i could fix my posture issue and now im limping before leg day

i was like 9 versions behind and this is too much change for me

god my phone and iPad got hit with the new ios after ignoring it for so long and i fucking haaaaaaate iiiiitttttt. everything is so round and slightly shifted and menus are in different places

TYSM!!!!!!!! 😭🖤 I WILL CONTINUE GETTING STRONGER!!!!

the only downside is that im flat out exhausted during the week after i work out and i have no energy for hobbies which has lead to some bad brain days. but health needs to come first... and my brain needs to be more patient for the imminent rest days lmfao

its nice to feel the strength training working in various ways too. like im not fighting against my body as much as i used to... im in less pain (outside of soreness from lifting) and i can touch my toes again?!?!?! im actually not sure when the last time was that i could, so thats an insane concept

its nice to think that im significantly closer to where i started pre-c*vid than i am when i had my Reality Check in january last year. proud of myself for keeping up and not falling into slumps for /too/ long. i think a routine is rly starting to stick. 😭

i hit my first Big Milestone in the weight loss/fitness journey.... 😭 25 pounds down!!!!!!!! 🙏

just feelin like a shell of myself 🧍‍♂️ boo hoo

and u know, maybe its not the c*vid that did me in, maybe ive just been so deeply miserable subconsciously and its affecting everything in my life. whos to really say. not me! and i wont pretend like i understand why i cant enjoy what i love like i used to, but i hope i can get back to it

idk. ill figure it out i hope. it just gets more and more demoralizing every time i try to draw. i try not to force it bc ill get Upset. but i dont want to rust i guess. impostor syndrome hitting me like a truck all the time these days fr lol

i know people make art without the ability to like. see the image in their mind ig. but to have it so vividly and now have nothing, its like.... idk. i feel like most of the time im trying to remember how to draw as opposed to actually making things and improving

drawing has been such a sore spot for me for like. years now. i have these super brief bursts with it but ever since losing my mind's eye (thanks c*vid!), i feel like 90% of the time it's a battle i always lose

why does it feel like when i have the drive and ~*mental clarity*~ to draw, it's so much harder??? like my brain just shits itself and i have 0 idea????

ITS THE WORRRRSSSTTTT. i tragically cant do hats of any kind bc it makes my hair flip in such a goofy ass way 😔 doomed to put my hair up but then the front is too short to get into the ponytail. the fucking Struggle. I’m bout to just shave it OFF

yes there are ways to counter this but consider this: im so fucking lazyyyyy brooooo

I think id get mad at it tho bc i feel like my hair needs the weight of itself to fall this way naturally. So if i chopped it off, id go back to wig/mushroom head territory and hate my life

i forgor my knee brace at home today.... maybe i just wont have to go up and down stairs a lot today. smiles so sneetly

running also feels slightly less hard when im micromanaging my run/walk timers. and im finding myself pleasantly surprised when i check to see how much is left in my run and go "oh shit its already almost time to walk?"... progress!

still always pisses me off when the "exercise and drink water!!" people are right. like yeah yeah whatever i feel good i GUESS ugh

for now.

i went running and im cured

i think i slept wonky this weekend and my chest has been achy af like i pulled smth.... and my binder is rly not helping that feeling today. bleh.

its making me feel awful bc i know theres such a depth of drive and passion and excitement in me, but theres nothing to fuel it. im just completely tapped on any kind of energy to do anything or feel anything. feels like im a husk pushing thru every day and the days are just disappearing

i know i have to Give Myself Grace on bad days but when bad days feel like every single day, there comes a point where i have got to figure out how to scrape my sorry worthless ass off the ground. but figuring out how to is pretty hard lately

man im just not doing well rn

life is hard and confusing and unknown and doesnt feel good and navigating that alone feels awful. especially when i feel like im a decade behind.