Jay

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

The height of American culture was the Five-Dollar Footlong — but we flew too close to the sun.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Ever finish a chapter in your life and wish you’d never learned to read?

“Jesus Fucking Christ” she muttered looking at this morning’s headlines

time to learn something new and podcast it

found a time machine but it requires size A batteries

I gave up gluten and also lost six pounds and my will to live

*rage colors a picture of a rainbow and flowers then crumples it up and nicely hands it to you

do you think ducks are upset we call bad doctors “quacks”

i’m too awesome to suffer any consequences from hubris

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

There are suddenly an uncomfortable number of septuagenarian musicians named “Billy.”

If I text you “interesting haha” know that it’s not actually interesting and it’s not actually funny

Yelling "Jinx!" every time someone walks past me at the restaurant

inventing pills for blueballs and calling them scroTUMS

When Huey Lewis said, "I want a new drug" I felt that

To a crisp gotta be the most classic way to be burnt

sorry if I'm a little grumpy I woke up on the wrong side of history

My hair smells like fried tortillas. Sup?

A doorbell went off on a show and I got up and walked to the door. I don't have a doorbell.

I'm "listening to Boyz to Men on the jukebox at Pizza Hut", years old.

I hope you like a girl with thick sighs

I wish to be 17 again if only for my ability to consume an entire batch of the velveeta + rotel dip queso with absolutely no negative consequences

when you die, they’ll find your drafts.

wanna see something impressive?

(shows up to a fancy restaurant in sweatpants)

Got kicked out of the gym today for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts

A Placebo cover band also called Placebo

if you have main character energy, nobody’s gonna tell you about the booger in your nose.

social security should also come with at least two boxes of Girl Scout cookies every year