junt

they have officially brought out the Halloween candy! Who’s ready for spooky season??

Lying to the police to protect my church softball team

There are teenagers out there having unprotected sex but putting cases on their phones

I want someone to scream this while holding me at gunpoint

If you don’t make a Facebook post about your mom tomorrow you obviously don’t love her and you’re disrespectful

‪Something I don't think we're doing nearly enough of as a society is building giant mysterious structures to confuse future archaeologists‬

Every time you play the lottery you know you're gonna lose but a little bit of you is just like yeah I'm definitely gonna win

‪After years of my home not being burglarized, I'm really beginning to wonder -- Do I need to buy nicer things

I don't hate Led Zeppelin, but lots of people do - what are all the reasons people hate them?

The only reason I listened to Death Cab For Cutie was because I wanted girls to like me

I think in this decade it's hard to imagine why anyone would have strong negative feelings about jazz, unless maybe they've been abused by a jazz lover or something. Like you don't hear jazz in public places much anymore unless it's the holidays

And there's a lot of contention about what jazz is & what it means in different contexts & to different people

The worst kind of jazz is absolutely terrible in a way that not many genres can be, though

Hating classical music is unfortunate but not a mortal sin. Hating jazz is extremely suspicious though. Not saying everyone has to love it, just there is no excuse to disrespect it

I want Kanye West to play at my wedding. But instead of beats his DJ only has two sample pads: loud gunfire and an airhorn

I enjoy hearing untalented people struggle to make beautiful sound or express meaningful ideas more than I enjoy hearing pitch perfect or masterfully trained musicians effortlessly recite heartless nonsense

They said that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles, but who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Extremely confused what anti-choice activists have against the joyous feeling of cumming inside someone & not having to raise a child after

Life hack for the guys (girls keep scrolling): buy this this and put on 3 squirts before a date. Ladies love it

A fun prank you can play on your coworkers this weekend is to stare at the sun until you lose vision, then show up to work on Monday completely blind

Her liking other men before we even knew each other existed just don’t sit right with me

‪Every few years you should injure yourself badly on purpose so you have to go through the hell of recovery and appreciate normal life again‬

Whoever named the fruit "blood orange" was the most dramatic person of all time

"The heart wants what it wants" -Idiot who thinks people store feelings in their hearts

I finally understand why people have kids, it's the ultimate excuse to cancel plans with anyone whenever you want

I used to really enjoy staying at hotels. Of course, that was before I learned I could fill a bucket with ice at home

There's nothing more annoying than the things most people do all of the time

When guests walk into your home, their first thought should always be, “It smells like Missouri”

We’re alone. You look in my eyes. I look in yours and say, “Hold that thought.” I slowly back out of the room.

After what seems a lifetime, I return wearing this

T-Pain is the most underrated artist of the 21st century thus far