Hannah 🤮

How many synchronicities do you think are just the government listening in?

If your boyfriend doesn’t let you hurt his feelings to get your anger out then move on honey. MAJOR red flag

Tylenol: god’s OxyContin

No bigger display of apathy than naming your child Ashley or Steven

Dating a writer comes with a lot of homework

Nothing that happens in Staten Island is my business

Decided to start perimenopause for dry January

I want to work at Chuck E. Cheese but they only allow kids to work there

If I were to get one plastic surgery it would be to make my pussy blue raspberry flavor

Ahh, “hot”. The “loud” of temperature

Taking more than 20 seconds to reply to my text is actually physical abuse

As if life isn’t hard enough, my phone has updated again

THERAPIST: you need to get out of your comfort zone

ME: my what

I really hate traveling. The vacation isn’t worth it I spend the week just thinking “soon I will have to go through airport security again.”

Everyone everywhere thinks they can just name their streets Broadway like why am I in the dregs of New Jersey on some “Broadway” where the only thing on it is a Wawa with a shattered front door

there should be a kind of medicine snake who bites you and makes you healthier. such an animal would be beloved by all creatures, held as sacred even by predators. also it would have a little pink heart shape on its head I think, for decoration

Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aww he must smell my boyfriend

Eating some solid foods. Newborn babies might want to take note..

I just turned the volume up on a Wendy’s commercial. I’m not sure if I’m gonna spiral but if I do this’ll be documentation of the moment it started.

Feels like whoever made my burger loves pickles a weird amount but thinks everyone loves them that much

Hahahahahhaa

People are obsessed with food. There’s other stuff to eat you know

being punished for eating sisyphus style by washing dishes everyday

Sometimes a man I just met will despise me and I can tell it’s because I did not run up to him and immediately put his penis in my mouth

The thing with those obscure laws like “you can’t shoot a duck on Tuesdays in South Carolina” is you’re just gonna drive it underground

I go to the doctor when I feel like being called insane for having physical symptoms

I was gonna do something tonight but I already did something today so that’s cancelled

Throwing back ozempic in a shot glass

I would sleep, but then I wouldn’t be able to spend 9 hours fully concentrating on people who have scorned me