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Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S. and Israeli military operation, with the Iranian government announcing 40 days of public mourning following the death of the 86-year-old leader. What do you think? The post Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike appeared first on The Onion.
03.03.2026 19:57 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’ BOSTON—Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the “Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian,” a riddle- and reason-based gauntlet he devised to assess players’ mental readiness. “Look, I know it’s your guys’ job to ask, […] The post Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’ appeared first on The Onion.
03.03.2026 17:49 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Price Of Teeth Rises According to Delta Dental’s new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for a lost tooth has increased to $5.84 per tooth, up 17% from last year. What do you think? The post Price Of Teeth Rises appeared first on The Onion.
02.03.2026 22:02 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the implications of his presence at a particularly tense moment in relations between Iran and the United States, President Trump told reporters Monday that he remained on the fence about attending the funeral of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “If I go, I think it’ll really make me look strong, like I’m fully in charge […] The post Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral appeared first on The Onion.
02.03.2026 21:37 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He’ll Bomb Iran WASHINGTON—Saying he just had a “gut feeling” about the U.S.-backed airstrike, President Trump announced Monday that he’d won $60 on Kalshi after betting that he would bomb Iran. “The odds were against me, but somehow I just knew that betting on an airstrike ordered by the president of the United States would hit,” said Trump, […] The post Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He’ll Bomb Iran appeared first on The Onion.
02.03.2026 21:34 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna The post Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna appeared first on The Onion.
02.03.2026 19:41 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Data Centers By The Numbers The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind data centers. 0.8 New pH of your groundwater $900,000,000 What 16GB of RAM will cost next year 4,000 Palm fronds fanned to cool the servers 1 Security […] The post Data Centers By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
02.03.2026 18:00 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball The NYPD arrested a 27-year-old man they accused of striking two police officers with snow and ice during a snowball fight in Washington Square Park, charging him with assaulting a police officer, obstructing governmental administration, and disorderly conduct. What do you think? The post NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball appeared first on The Onion.
02.03.2026 17:23 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course? The human subconscious is such an interesting thing. No matter how much you think you’ve got it figured out, it’ll always spit out the most random stuff. Take me, for example. After coming home from a long day at the world’s most groundbreaking artificial intelligence organization, I’ll go to bed and have the weirdest dreams […] The post Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course? appeared first on The Onion.
02.03.2026 17:20 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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15 Years Of Saving Just For Your Dad To Call It A Shack Sure, you denied yourself many things as you scrimped and saved enough for a down payment on a home, but it’ll all be worth it when your father calls it a total dump. Reference #59893 The post 15 Years Of Saving Just For Your Dad To Call It A Shack appeared first on The Onion.
02.03.2026 14:00 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie’s Captors WASHINGTON—As shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration, FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. “I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie’s mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a month,” said Patel, […] The post Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie’s Captors appeared first on The Onion.
26.02.2026 20:00 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Trump Invites Caucasian Half Of Alysa Liu To Visit White House The post Trump Invites Caucasian Half Of Alysa Liu To Visit White House appeared first on The Onion.
23.02.2026 18:30 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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NHL Launches $800 Marketing Campaign In Major Push To Attract New Fans NEW YORK—In an unprecedented effort to “pour gas on the fire” and grow the popularity of the league, NHL officials announced Monday that it was launching a new $800 marketing campaign in a major push to attract new fans. “Move over, NFL and NBA, because we are pulling out all the stops to make the […] The post NHL Launches $800 Marketing Campaign In Major Push To Attract New Fans appeared first on The Onion.
23.02.2026 14:00 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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RFK Jr. Claims Keto Diet Cures Schizophrenia Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that a high-fat, low-carbohydrate diet, widely known as the keto diet, can cure certain psychiatric conditions including schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, citing a Harvard physician “Dr. Pollan” who doesn’t appear to exist. What do you think? The post RFK Jr. Claims Keto Diet Cures Schizophrenia appeared first on The Onion.
19.02.2026 22:22 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Study Finds Intermittent Fasting No More Effective Than Conventional Eating Disorder NEW YORK—In a discovery that increased doubt about the popular diet trend, a study published Thursday by Columbia University researchers found that intermittent fasting was no more effective than conventional eating disorders. “While abstaining from food for several hours has gained far-reaching acceptance in recent years, the evidence suggests that it produces comparable results to […] The post Study Finds Intermittent Fasting No More Effective Than Conventional Eating Disorder appeared first on The Onion.
19.02.2026 22:20 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact “Looksmaxxing,” a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing. MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can make them bigger. FACT: The most effective way to change your face shape is to contract mumps. […] The post Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
19.02.2026 14:00 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. “They’ve called every member of SAG-AFTRA back to set—it’s a complete disaster,” said an anonymous studio executive, […] The post All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots appeared first on The Onion.
18.02.2026 14:00 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field PREDAZZO, ITALY—Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth’s gravitational field in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage at the Winter Olympics. “During a […] The post Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field appeared first on The Onion.
14.02.2026 17:45 👍 1 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls The post Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls appeared first on The Onion.
13.02.2026 14:00 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Ghislaine Maxwell Reminded That A Simple ‘I’m Sorry’ Could Make This All Go Away WASHINGTON—Advising her that even the most basic gesture of contrition would solve all her problems instantly, lawmakers reminded convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell on Monday that a simple “I’m sorry” could make all this go away. “We’re just asking for two simple words that demonstrate you feel a sense of regret for the harm you […] The post Ghislaine Maxwell Reminded That A Simple ‘I’m Sorry’ Could Make This All Go Away appeared first on The Onion.
09.02.2026 21:45 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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All The Questions You Have About K-Pop, Answered With the popularity of streaming megahit KPop Demon Hunters, the formation of “global girl group” Katseye, and the reunion of superstars BTS, Korean pop music’s influence on American pop culture is stronger than ever. The Onion shares everything you need to know about K-pop. Who are some of the major K-pop groups?BTS, EXO, NCT, NCIS, […] The post All The Questions You Have About K-Pop, Answered appeared first on The Onion.
09.02.2026 17:40 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Non-Biathlon Skier Would Also Like Gun The post Non-Biathlon Skier Would Also Like Gun appeared first on The Onion.
09.02.2026 14:00 👍 3 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0
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Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle The post Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle appeared first on The Onion.
09.02.2026 03:27 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (‘¡Dios Mío!’ Cry Millions Of Panicking Republicans) BOISE, ID—Crying out “¡Dios mío!” and “¡Ayúdame!” as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstar’s “EoO,” millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl LX halftime performance. “Oh, what a crock-load of mierda—¿qué?—¿qué está pasando? ” said local 43-year-old Randy […] The post Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (‘¡Dios Mío!’ Cry Millions Of Panicking Republicans) appeared first on The Onion.
09.02.2026 01:33 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher The post Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher appeared first on The Onion.
09.02.2026 01:22 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Stefon Diggs Spotted Partying On Yacht In Middle Of Second Quarter The post Stefon Diggs Spotted Partying On Yacht In Middle Of Second Quarter appeared first on The Onion.
09.02.2026 00:00 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
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Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth The post Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth appeared first on The Onion.
08.02.2026 23:30 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara <p>WASHINGTON—Infuriated at the sullying of a cherished American tradition, angry conservatives across the country vented their outrage Friday over this weekend&#8217;s Super Bowl being held in the foreign city of Santa Clara. &#8220;I can put up with pandering to international markets when it&#8217;s some fucking regular-season Jags bullshit, but this is the biggest game of [&#8230;]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/conservatives-outraged-super-bowl-happening-in-foreign-city-of-santa-clara/">Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
06.02.2026 21:01 👍 1 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
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Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers <p>The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the federal agency in charge of enforcing workplace anti-discrimination laws, is investigating Nike over the athletic shoe giant’s treatment of white employees. What do you think?</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/trump-administration-investigates-nike-for-alleged-discrimination-against-white-workers/">Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
06.02.2026 20:30 👍 1 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0
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TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill <p>WASHINGTON—Touting it as the fastest and most convenient way for people from foreign countries to be a part of the American Dream, President Donald Trump announced Friday that his direct-to-consumer website TrumpRx would offer a $1 million citizenship pill. “Instead of sitting through a stupid test and having to attend some boring oath ceremony, you [&#8230;]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/trumprx-unveils-1-million-citizenship-pill/">TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
06.02.2026 19:45 👍 1 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0