Bea Kaye

the idea of smashing a bunch of nerd reich fingers with hammers is too fun though

"We should get our measles boosters," I suggest, not unreasonably.

"Because of the unwashed heathens," I add, unnecessarily.

"A post on X from the betting platform Polymarket that says BREAKING: Anthropic CEO says Claude may or may not have gained consciousness, as the model has begun showing symptoms of anxiety.”

So, kill it. With a hammer.

You don't have room to own just one is what you're saying

My normally laid-back husband, as Mike Greenberg is giving a touching memorial speech this morning: GOOD. I'M GLAD HE'S DEAD. FUCK HIM, THOUGH.

Me: Oh, Lou Holtz must have died

I'm not saying it's a good thing that a Senator is willing to torture protesters on camera but I am saying that the USMC Vet that had his hand broken by Senator Sheehy is running for office.

"Breaking: Senator confirms he does intend to continue grinding bones for bread despite multiple studies demonstrating how that doesn't work"

Maybe if we all just podcast hard enough, Daddy will come back

People Are Calling Steve-O "Racist" After His Comments About Illegal Immigrants "I've lost all my respect."

Not really

Does she get to keep the fuck plane

If you're at the airport and Kristi Noem is doing the ominous little message from the TSA screens, you no longer have to do anything she says. Leave your laptop in the case, whatever.

Which chapter is The Art of the Deal where you give everybody a made up medal and/or special title to detract from how you're firing them

We all liked Secretary but you for sure did not marry James Spader so Calm Down

I feel like we should revisit the "Who do you want to be trapped with more, A [White] Man [Who Probably Voted Trump] or a normal Grizzly Bear?" discussion

I need the girl scouts to understand that we've already ate the cookies that were frozen for later. We are at a four-case cookie situation this year if this is to be sustained through Easter

They really do think their dumb Nazi husbands are smart 🫤

My undoing was not fighting back harder when white ladies told me their husband is 6 feet tall

They are delusional and I let them keep dreaming, that's on me

I was a volunteer observer for the 2024 election count. A shocking number of undervotes, where someone ONLY voted Trump. They didn't even check JD Vance's name, let alone local races. It really pissed off the election office

The number of registered voters who never show up for anything but the Presidential election every 4 years outnumbers Republicans that show up and vote every time in my Red State. Trump really weaponized the low-info voter.

My heel turn will be after I get elected for being a cool, relatable person... and then I also ban Dunkin' Donuts, for comedy reasons only

I hope OP is having a good day because this story has always illustrated to me the huge window of opportunity to shut down fascism, before it really starts.

Would you rather look like an asshole bartender that hates Nazis, or bartend at a Nazi bar?

Don't be afraid to shut stupid shit down 💕

So far (a) is winning, maybe I should have put it last. We've learned these things by now. Also: never include vanilla extract as an option

Hmm. We have actual polls now

We may need to bring back gaol in these cases

"IF YOU'RE JUST GONNA SLAUGHTER CHILDREN WE TAKE THE MAGIC SWORD AWAY"

Jeb Bush can do the funny thing right now and take the sword back like Obi-Jeb Kenobi

LOLOL

Hey, ranchers aren't mad still about the Argentina Beef Betrayal, I bet they won't notice when there's nothing to feed the cows this winter

🫡 THIS IS THE ROBOSEXUAL FUTURE THEY WANT TO KEEP FROM US 🫡

🔪I Shall Protect Lucy Liu bot🗡

Remember: Jail is temporary, prison means there was a conviction 🤞