Maria ✨

First night properly back at home, let's see how it'll go

In an hour or so I return to the hospital for the last night and then tomorrow I finally get discharged!

And as always alcohol makes things bearable again

It's all just emptiness and sadness. It hurts. It's unbearable.

I just need to die already. I can't fight anymore. And really I no longer want to either. There's no point to life anymore. Everything sucks. Everything will always suck. It's not going to get better anymore.

Life is worthless. There's literally nothing good about it. Soon I'll be dead and only then I'll be okay.

My brain is so weird.

It goes from depressed to feeling okay to feeling amazing randomly, each lasting a few days (amazing is rare unfortunately).

I kinda want to know why that is.

It also has weirdly intense and unstable emotional responses but that's just BPD I'm being told.

I want yesterday's feeling back, this phase ended way too quickly 😔

The good phase has already ended.

Wish I could just always be unreasonably happy.

:(

I have found myself aimlessly walking around in the dark in the middle of nowhere despite normally hating walks.

Should do this more often, makes me feel free.

I feel great today and have much more energy than usual, this is nice!

I finally have a first appointment with a therapist tomorrow and I'm getting anxious.

What do I even talk about? Do I talk about issues (self harm etc) or causes (social stuff etc)?

Half the topics I don't even know how to talk about. And how do I prioritize stuff?

I'm drunk and suddenly everything is okay after a lot of worrying about politics all day

Twitter algorithm is showing me a lot more bunnies again and that's great

Being drunk makes things a lot more bearable

I miss her so much. She was an amazing friend.

Of course she's right to have cut contact, I was a toxic piece of shit. She gave me so many chances, too.

I just wish I could at least apologize to her, but I know that's never going to happen.

I'm a bad friend 😔

I hate how at social stuff with too many people I basically have to drink because otherwise everything becomes very overwhelming due to auditory processing issues and ADHD

How do I get a therapist? I know I need help but I don't know how...

Bad day today 😞

I know no one really cares about what happens to me or how I feel but... I think things are going to get better for me now

Am very sleepy

I don't know why but I'm kind of happy right now

God I love abandonment trauma... I just had a full blown meltdown over what turned out to be nothing... again

Disassociation and anxiety is not a fun combination

So... I have started hrt now

I just wish I was a woman 😔

Today is not a good day

Goods acquired

Alcohol is an amazing coping method tbh

Every time I think things are improving they just get worse days later