The Pale Space Rider

spouse: why are you mashing your food into blocks?

me: because of the doctor?

spouse: what?

me: he told me to eat 3 square meals a day

i think my “coworker” is training me wrong because i told him, “i’m here to steal his job.” i don’t even work here

kristi noem is the worst pokemon

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat]

…bunk coffins

[my wife doing stacked hands motion]

like…double decker

welcome to your thirties where you’ll now slowly realize that everyone you’ve ever loved, respected, or found engaging is actually terrible

*batman voice* do you have any cough drops

i grew horns under the blood moon probably nbd

I didn't come here to make friends. Unless, of course, you want to be my friend. In which case nothing would bring me greater joy

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

mom: what do want to do when you grow up?

willy wonka: open a candy factory-

mom: awe

willy wonka: to lure children-

mom: uhm

willy wonka: to their death

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

i saw my priest at a strip club outside of town. it was kind of awkward, but i have to admit he was surprisingly flexible

So weird how hot dogs come in packages of ten and your dad tried to kiss me

posting about raccoons while 38,000 feet in the air. this is what my ancestors fought for.

date: so what kind of hobbies do you have

me: tbh, i mostly mind my own business

sorry. didn’t catch that. i am a feather on the wind

i didn’t say you weren’t stealing, just who says it’s art

i find disassociating for hours of the day very helpful

first beaver to see moving water: this has got to be stopped!

*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want

cop: know why I pulled you over?

me: *sliding off of elephant* zoo wants its elephant back?

cop: *nodding* the zoo wants its elephant back

(first day as a zookeeper)

boss: why haven’t you let anyone into the zoo?

me: because it’s mine now

enormous baby shoes for sale. could fit adult. in fact these might be adult shoes. definitely did not fit my baby

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: my pokemon are

I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Repeat after me: I am valid. I am loved. My terrible secret is safe. They'll never find out. My sinister ulterior motives remain unseen.

mom: *texting* hey, your voicemail is full

me: *checking my voicemail to find 95 voicemails from my mother saying “hey, tried to reach you. call me back.”*

*throws phone into the ocean*

psychic: please stop coming here

me: you already know i won't

date: you look nervous

me: *nervously* ha. i’m never nervous

date: you’re sweating

me: *just freaking out* that’s bravery moisture

well. it started a decade ago, if that is any clue