Live your life like you won't ultimately be a footnote in history, but just remember that even the most important world leaders will be reduced to a paragraph in some eighth grader's textbook.
not to brag but I can tie a cherry stem using only my cherry stem tying machine
getting a vasectomy just means you have diet sperm
Less calories, same great taste™️
Forgiveness is a warm gun
These five words will be the beginning of a novel I'll never bother to write, but I'm already picturing a detective noir story. The movie adaptation will be in black and white and have a jazz soundtrack.
Angelina Jolie will be the leading actress probably.
Once again I have failed Gwen Stefani's class for How To Be A Good Mime
But it's Thursday, which is also the name of a band, which is also the fifth day of the week, which is also a lyric in an Eminem song about a fifth of vodka, which is also alcohol, beer is also alcohol, in conclusion we both learned a lot tonight.
Mostly unusual though
The real troublesome thing here is the use of two exclamation points‼️
There's like, an emoji for that
I guess you can say you have......No Doubt
Shhhh, don't speak I already know what you're thinking
Statistically speaking, every word you say is just noise drowned out in a sea of cacophonous madness. I failed math class, though, so obviously I'm wrong.
My source is I made it up
SODA JERK: What kind of soda can I get you, fuckface?
In England pound cake is called kilogram pie
i just made this amazing dish: meatballs & spaghetti it’s exactly like spaghetti & meatballs but it’s meatballs & spaghetti !
I have three degrees in Latin, which makes me persona non grata at this Languages That Actual People Speak convention.
Yeah, by the ears they lent me
JUDGE: I sentence you to 37 years in prison
ME: nah
JUDGE: what
ME: I’m not vibing that
JUDGE: I see
ME: yeah
JUDGE: I guess you’re free to go then
ME: peace out my robed brother
JUDGE: that is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen it was an honor to let him go
All the world's a stage, so the fact that I stood up on the table and jumped off while yelling “STAGE DIVE!” isn't an issue, Brenda.
i burst up from the flames of hell for this?
overheard some of the scientists say that they need to fortify my enclosure because i will begin the metamorphosis soon?? okay ???
Whoever has my voodoo doll -- please stop making me try to have sex with all these other voodoo dolls.
Todays "Trust me bro" fact of the day: Waldo was a defective secret agent and we were being used in an effort by the underground belly of the government to find him.
I don’t know what skyr or kefir is, they’re all Greek yogurt to me.
Less manic pixie dream girls, more eldritch abomination nightmare women.
Having a conversation with me may have a negative impact on your credit score
Swallowing a couple of dryer balls to soften up my insides.
My biggest weakness is actually my greatest strength, answering cliché job interview questions gives me mana. I will cast devastating spells because of this encounter.
hotel california implies the existence of hotels named after the other 49 states
