Joel Veitch

that's what they want you to believe

I ordered a Persimmon tree but when it arrived it was a different variety from the one I wanted - still good, just not what I was after. They are going to send me the correct one, so FREE PERSIMMON TREE!

Pavlov's Dog - if you see a dog in act 1, it has to explode in act 3.

Found this lovely fluffy chonker snuffling about in one of my crocuses just now. Spring is here! Wheeeeee! There are buds starting to crack on my fruit trees, it's all coming back to life THANK GOD!

Wanging Webjoy Hard Up Your Eye Holes

Ah yes, back when the Web was still new and strange but was just beginning to take off in the popular consciousness. The Crab of Ineffable Wisdom, and the Spongmonkeys liked the Moon, and then they were in a national ad campaign and it felt like you were In On Something for having Known Them When. 😁

STEPKID: *begins laughing in incredulous horror*
ME: *wearily* They were incredibly popular. They did an ad for Quiznos.
STEPKID: If I saw that as a child I would be scarred for life.
ME: I’m just saying that it doesn’t have to be good to be amazing.

Attempted to explain the Spongmonkeys to Stepkid today. I had emphasized that they were crudely animated. I do not think I emphasized it enough.

Last year I dug up and divided a large patch of snowdrops that were growing behind some Blackthorn. I distributed them around the edge of my garden and forgot about them. They have come up and are flowering now and it was a lovely surprise. That's one of my favourite things about gardening.

I'm keen to try fizzy gravy

Oh, I've been looking for an excuse to buy a soda stream for ages. Maybe this is the one.

Hardcore till I die, brother

Don't milk shame me

Thank you for your support at this difficult time

I know you think the world has problems but I just put milk in my lemsip. Drank it anyway.

The missus has just used the word “seepage” in conversation and now I must post this Veitch masterpiece. It’s the law

Amazing! Look at the little blighter, happily chewing his way into your brain

Just scream your dread and horror into the night tonight at midnight. Assuming the scream is adequately filled with suffering, one of my CALaMari squids will home in on your location through the labyrinth of subterranean pipes which they infest and erupt from your toilet in the morning.

Buy my new self-care product CALaMari - the big squid you wrap snuggly around your shoulders. Nothing takes your mind off the struggle to pay the bills like the soft embrace of powerful tentacles while a cruel beak gnaws pitilessly through your skull.

When we started putting hundreds of enraged squids in the cockpits of our airliners, people asked if it was really a good idea. However, there really is no other way. They are angry at the best of times and airliner cockpits always enrage them.

pre-loved gucci handbag? genuinely i had never thought of that as a name. A good character-building set of middle names for a son, perhaps.

Yeah those halcyon days of luxury gucci handbags just lying under hedges and in bushes. A total mystery who put them there and why. We never see them any more, I suppose the donors grew old and took their secrets to the grave.

The first time I encountered the phrase "pre-loved" was in 1999 in Melbourne where the sex shop round the corner had a nauseating sign for "pre-loved magazines" - so your listing for a pre-loved luxury gucci handbag gives me a vision of you doing unspeakabke things to it, you perv.

Jesus Christ guys my cousin's a maths pro and he says there are literally DOZENS of numbers bigger than 119 try harder

Yes, 100% science fact

Barney is having a very relaxing post-Christmas Sunday morning

Dear people of Bluesky. However bad you think this film looks from the trailer, I have seen it in full and I can tell you now it is far, far worse than you can possibly imagine. It is insulting and infuriating. It is an abomination.

Wife: why do you have 8 cubes filled with ink?
Me: for eggs
Wife: why are you only putting eggs in the eighth cube?
Me: I am ink cube eighting them
Wife: ok, I need to explain something to you...

Ahah! Yes that could be worth a go for sure

Actually haven't watched Blue Lights. Don;t normally really go for gritty police thingies but could be worth a go?