i lived. im not sure right now if it was for the better.

its been a week

ive accepted a few things.

i need to get help, i will, again, slowly, maybe

but. just. its hard. this month could................ yeah

i want to be bad still, in the back of my head, like a seed like an ugly seed of truth

but i need to take active control of my life and my decisions to enjoy it matter

went to the ED today

im glad i didnt die, im glad i wasnt trying to die, but getting swept into that

i was scared, im still scared

im just really tired all the time i cant even be upset its stupid and id be more pissed off or sad if i had any energy to do it

guess ill have to crack under the pressure again or something else stupid just to feel things in a big way again

sick of this shit

well, work is in a fucked situation but i might actually be brought on to my position

im doing better mentally nowadays but my job has definitely gotten worse

old major director bailed and now we have this new guy who is eager but stupid and annoying everyone and making shit weird

been feeling better lately, thankfully

been making strides mentally, even if things suck still

i still gotta do some stuff to improve my life, like push for a better position at my job that doesnt pay dick and balls

shame having given up on everything i wanted to be

i wonder when i will finally recognize the husk ive become just to stay alive

i wish things would stop happening to me, i just want to be left alone. i just want things to get a little bit better

please, please let me be happy

i just want to be happy, please

things have been better for a bit now, thankfully, the thoughts of sh and offing myself have been quieter and easier to ignore

dysphoria is still difficult to navigate, still catch myself gagging at work when i dont fix my voice or catch my mannerisms

*sweating bullets* its getting harder, chat

it really hurts admitting that it is a problem, but im literally taking chunks out of myself

its just not healthy to constantly punish myself

well, thats it

i have to stop sh

i say all of this in a melodramatic tone but if im gonna be real a shit load of kink stuff tends to be borne of some kind of trauma or exposure in sexual development

both of which ive had recently, in heaps

but its there, a sexual and emotional fascination with being punished

perpetuity of pain for the innocent lamb

and i cant really escape it, nor do i find myself wanting to

i trust and love elliotte so much but there is some talking to be done about that kind of stuff and i dont expect them to be 100% on board with stabbing me or hurting me in ways that draw blood

its also a kind if sexual play i think is really close to my mental illness, which is kinda... dangerous

unfortunately, its becoming more clear to me that i associate physical pain and arrousal in some specific and intense ways that i wouldnt be comfortable with just *anyone* doing, much less propositioning someone who wasnt definitely sadist/bdsm in some kind of way to do that

its going to be very difficult i think to find people to engage in painplay with me

at least in a tolerable and healthy way

waiter, more bodily disfigurement

i think its finally over hhhhhh

it shows up when i use the restroom, it shows up when i change clothes, it shows up when i shave, it shows up when i have to occupy a space or look at my shoulders, it shows up when i FUCKING touch myself

its just invading everything and i can tune it out but fucking god i wish it would just STOP

i feel like a teenage girl in horror that she's in an adult male body, that things have been done to help, but no matter how hard she tries, things wont be the same

there's this constant, revolting horror that simmers when i look at myself or feel myself

i feel like im doomed to forever live in the shadow of the thing i could have been, as opposed to what i am

its so so miserably hard to accept myself, by default

ive been compromising by ignoring a lot of the things that i desperately have wanted for myself, but now that i cant... its bad

getting gender dysphoria thoughts always makes me feel like a petulant, ungrateful child

but i really cant help it, i feel fucking cheated and cursed

theres times where i feel like id rather not have been born than to be what i am now, even if it gets better day by day

it was and still is scary to contend with, even if ive learned some things about myself

glad im not spiraling anymore, but i dont feel like ive "improved" all that much either

things continue to suck less with vitamin routine adjustment

which rules

but the thoughts are still there and they are still looming in the back of my mind

im not crazy for this right?? its enough to justify the way i feel?

i cant help but feel desperate for that to be true, even though i know i shouldn't.

its eating me alive

just... looking back doesnt feel like enough to justify the pain i feel now

i could go into how my parents would casually queershame me or my dad would call me a faggot but whatever

its all sludge, infected, rotten

i... dont think i was ever sexually assaulted, except for once, but it was short, over-the-clothes, and cut and dry in front of friends. never dangerous or vulnerable. i was very lucky.

cradle robbed? absolutely, but my boundaries were respected, and i was lucky enough not to be manipulated... much

i dont remember a lot of my childhood because ultimately there wasn't much to remember other than my parents crying or screaming on the porch or struggling to socialize with people a decade older than me in kung fu

and then when i do remember i just get so mad at myself for denying myself so much