Dumbdum

an absolutely disgusted looking cat

my friends any time i talk about some nerd shit

(Listening to Whitesnake)

This fucker only knows one road.

The first 7 🥃 didn’t provide the answer, but I’m sure the 8th one will

I've formed a covenant with 6 other residents in my building where we all joint-own a single toaster and we each get to use it 1 day of the week. Also sometimes we solve mysteries together

It’s unwatchable. He’s not the only one. But he’s the worst.

It’s the 114th straight first quarter ejection for Luka Doncic.

the worst part of going bald has to be letting go of your ratatouille fantasy

Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.

that gap in my resume was from when Jesus was carrying me

the blair witch means there is also a blearth witch, a blwater witch, and a blfire witch

Bass Pro Shops CEO releasing a video of him getting hooked and pulled from a lake by their new lure

sex megastore called Ass Pro Shop

“i fuckin love garbage obscuring my field of view”

— Jeep Drivers

Running for Congress on a platform of sneaking into Polymarket HQ and unplugging all their stuff. Overflow crowds at a local Knights of Columbus hall roar with delight as I promise to pour Florida's Natural Grapefruit Juice (with pulp) into the USB-C port of every computer in the damn place.

Have you ever noticed that some people are funnier when you drink and more lovable after they leave.

people are so weird you ask a couple of strangers to brush your hair and suddenly you’re banned from the ups store

doctor: it’s a boy!
mom: what should we name him
dad (visibly drunk): MARKWAYNE

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

it's crazy to look back at the past 25 years and see how much this country has changed. it used to be that yo-yo tricks could get you laid.

I love the saying 'crazier than a shit house rat'. I especially love picturing that rascal rodent who has become mayor of the shit house.

👋 remake 👋 toy 👋 story 👋 4

My AI girlfriend dumped me for a McDonald’s kiosk

I want to see other CEOs eat their products. Google CEO eats a computer. Airbnb CEO eats a pillow

[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope

more like Kristi Noep

like and subscribe for more quips on current events ✅

I can’t do that to Phil. Sussudio demands vinyl.

-philosopher Doug Judy

Today the streets of DC are black with Kristi Noem's running mascara

she’s a ten but she won’t do duck lips with Pringles

my new year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating