A banner ad with the text "Firing Your Financial Advisor: The 5 Major Red Flags" with an image of a bear and a bull (both with very sharp teeth) snarling at each other
Fire your financial advisor if he is a bull with canine incisors
Eat nuts and berries in a cave
His dress whites
There’s a baby born every day who hasn’t seen The Flintstones
IF Gavin Newsom is on a ballot
THEN me and many others will refuse to vote for him
THEREFORE instead of bitching at me and others like me
YOU should take the *years* you have and make sure that doesn't happen if you actually fucking care
BECAUSE my position is immutable
You can unzip a .docx or .pptx file, and find all the images inside at their original sizes and resolutions
Sleep a little, get up early, drink the rest of the shlock, commune with the commode. Take a shower. The appointment will feel like it lasts 20 minutes. Eat a huge breakfast, feel good, your butt won’t hurt, and you can relax the rest of the day.
Elder millenials: Get your colonoscopy. Take two days off work if you can. Eat a nice breakfast the day before, drink lots of water. Drink the SUPREP, chase it with some chicken broth afterward. Make fun of your stomach sounds. Embrace the toilet three hours later.
I know you played football, sir, but I somehow doubt you’d put your shoulder into a war protester, let alone a Marine
Did you ever settle on a European (or elsewhere) based cloud hosting alternative?
I saw one of those wipers in action for the first time last week, and it’s like having a Claymore clean your windshield. Terrifying
My advice? Post Raisin Bran
The slightly fancy version of this is with tahini … plus some gochujang and soy glaze
tuQ'as
isn’t a world that gives us that half time show so much better than whatever the worst people alive are offering as an alternative
“Stand up to (Jewish) hate” crashing into toilets singing is a HARD segue
“Have you cleared your browser’s cache?”
Terrible news everyone: HomeState in Oceanside is closing
So they’re allowed to kill us and we still have to pay taxes in April, cool cool cool
Man all I had on my calendar was to flagellate myself and this is what you tell me
☕️
You were going to fix the pork chops for dinner, but what you thought were the fancy pork chops from McCall's on Montana are actually the ones from Smart & Final and someone is worried they're not "good enough"
Merry Client Emailing You Directly Because the Project Manager Won't Reply Eve to all who celebrate
Made the "I'm still writing 2025 on all my checks" joke to my confused Gen-Z coworkers and now I'm desiccating into a pile of dust
USPS Informed Delivery image of Certified Mail postage in the amount of $10.44
Nothing good ever comes from the hospital, certified mail, with postage more than $10
Once I wrote a 400-word brief in my college newspaper about my dorm's boiler exploding, and I think I have more investigative reporting experience than she does
Fun fact: A’a is the Hawaiian word for a kind of slow-moving lava that, when it cools, is very sharp and painful to walk on (perhaps hence the name) — pahoehoe lava travels faster and is smoother
Heard something on the radio about the government seizing a “sanctioned dark fleet vessel” and damn if that doesn’t sound like some cool-ass Star Trek shit
It’s probably illegal and there‘s probably murder involved, so thanks fascism stenographers, I guess
Got him one of those weather station things that has an outdoor temperature sensor … not like an actual NWS sort of weather station, but the kind that‘s helpful to figure out what kind of coat you need
The second you see Stephen Root you know you’re in good hands
