FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF

I want to see other CEOs eat their products. Google CEO eats a computer. Airbnb CEO eats a pillow

I believed the weirdest stuff as a kid
sometimes I still have to remind myself that not all cats are female and not all dogs are male smh

Interviewer: Can you tell me why you want to work for Auto Zone?

Me, on the phone: Sure thing! I just need to finish up with this customer call.

*twenty minutes later*

Me, still on the phone: ...

Interviewer: Impressive. You're hired!

my adhd is off the c-h-a what if the horizon was velcro on its last rip

the blair witch means there is also a blearth witch, a blwater witch, and a blfire witch

as the dalai lama once said: give a wham give a bam but don’t give a damn

I hope that someday those Kraft singles find love.

popping a little blue pill to walk around walmart in gray sweatpants as a bit

when i was a kid if you wanted to get a mcdonald’s hamburger you had to open the mcdonald’s catalogue, fill in a 13 digit number on an order form, put the form & a check in an envelope, send it away & about 6 to 8 weeks later a hamburger would be delivered right to your house.

another year without getting my dream present: a trap door for solicitors

hobbies include gagging on my electric toothbrush

Swallowing a couple of dryer balls to soften up my insides.

If you're lousy at spreading mortar, you might as well throw in the trowel.

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

I wish it was 10 years ago and we were all still making jokes on Twitter.

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

I am completely delusional (complimentary)

oh noooo i misplaced my thesaurus im feeling disoriented, lost, adrift, discombobulated, bewildered, unsettled, perplexe- oh wait there it is nvm

On my lunch break I’m heading over to my annoying next-door neighbor’s house to demand his unconditional surrender

*sucking mayo off of my top* i’m bringing sexy back

Omg you're right. What if I've set the bar TOO high???

Excuuuuuse me. I'm a traditional chef. None of that in my kitchen.

I know! 💅🏼

[handing my date her special home cooked meal] they snap, crackle AND pop, Denise

It's strong enough and could also give you diabetes. It's badass shit.

Was it a Koppaberg?

Ha ha 👊🏼

Nice one. I used to drink Bulmers. A lot. But I overdid it and can't stomach it anymore.

Thanks man. We'd have to talk about nothing but cider to be true pommeliers though.