FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF

i didn’t cry at all during my date tonight. did i just level up?

It's just a little town around you with the scientific definition of an aura, and if an actual ice cream parlor on a main street can't verify it then it's not inspiring your nostalgic emanating utopia anyhow

'WHY DON'T YOU THROW ME TO THE SEA RACCOONS' I shout. The camera operator drops everything and roundhouse kicks me in the face

*I turn and smile at the camera. A single bean is stuck on my front tooth.

[David Attenborough holding me in a headlock] Stop calling tiger sharks sea raccoons

Sorry I called cigarettes "acoustic vapes."

She's a nice person, she just doesn't recognize haute cuisine.

I want to see other CEOs eat their products. Google CEO eats a computer. Airbnb CEO eats a pillow

I believed the weirdest stuff as a kid
sometimes I still have to remind myself that not all cats are female and not all dogs are male smh

Interviewer: Can you tell me why you want to work for Auto Zone?

Me, on the phone: Sure thing! I just need to finish up with this customer call.

*twenty minutes later*

Me, still on the phone: ...

Interviewer: Impressive. You're hired!

my adhd is off the c-h-a what if the horizon was velcro on its last rip

the blair witch means there is also a blearth witch, a blwater witch, and a blfire witch

as the dalai lama once said: give a wham give a bam but don’t give a damn

I hope that someday those Kraft singles find love.

popping a little blue pill to walk around walmart in gray sweatpants as a bit

when i was a kid if you wanted to get a mcdonald’s hamburger you had to open the mcdonald’s catalogue, fill in a 13 digit number on an order form, put the form & a check in an envelope, send it away & about 6 to 8 weeks later a hamburger would be delivered right to your house.

another year without getting my dream present: a trap door for solicitors

hobbies include gagging on my electric toothbrush

Swallowing a couple of dryer balls to soften up my insides.

If you're lousy at spreading mortar, you might as well throw in the trowel.

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

I wish it was 10 years ago and we were all still making jokes on Twitter.

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

I am completely delusional (complimentary)

oh noooo i misplaced my thesaurus im feeling disoriented, lost, adrift, discombobulated, bewildered, unsettled, perplexe- oh wait there it is nvm

On my lunch break I’m heading over to my annoying next-door neighbor’s house to demand his unconditional surrender

Omg you're right. What if I've set the bar TOO high???

Excuuuuuse me. I'm a traditional chef. None of that in my kitchen.