Native Minnow

I hate that we're in the timeline where the nuns turn the Von Trapps over to the Nazis.

For sale: sex airplane, barely flown

I hate that we’re in the timeline where the loggers get to ruin Fern Gully

Like the bible says: live by the sword, no worries

not now babe i’m filling the bathtub with wrasslin’ jello

I only look out the window when a really loud car is idling so I can more accurately bestow a curse upon the driver

I normally don’t brag about expensive trips but I just got home from the grocery store.

GF: [Starts getting frisky]

Me: Ooohh put some music on.

GF: Okay!

Speaker, 5 seconds later: 🎶Jesse got trapped in a coal mine, digging in the dark black pearl, Jesse got trapped in a coal mine, never did marry his girl🎶

Sorry if you have a heart attack near me because I only know CCR and Proud Mary’s gonna be the last thing you hear

Infuriatingly evergreen 👇

regime change is a stupid name for overthrowing a nation of millions and leaving nothing in its wake

The last time I felt hopeful about American politics was when Trump had Covid.

Overheard at a bar in NM:

I once took more acid than intended and accidentally killed 100 chickens.

The world could be such a nice place if we allowed it. It's all so goddamn unnecessary. There's no need for any of it. It's so beautiful here. It should be so cool to be alive

i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts

Going full Michael Douglas in Falling Down because Oral-B keeps changing the floss I like.

Is it illegal war with Iran or is it cake?

The reveal that Aslan was Jesus felt like an enormous betrayal. Here I was enjoying a children's book and then they snuck in church shit? I hope it hurt when C.S. Lewis died.

Look, even though it’s the economical choice, it never feels good buying a handle at the liquor store

great job algorithmic fuck head suggesting songs from my other playlist for my new playlist we are fucking doomed

if self deprecating was a sport i’d really suck at it

if banana were spelled like mississippi it would be bannannanna

And would lengthen Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl by 20 seconds

watching politicians enter the gallery and mingle and my mind can barely process seeing so many unpunched punchable faces in one place

Reading the original Grimm Brothers stories and realising how much Disney made fairytales of the fairytales.

Started my diet today but there was cake in the fridge and I had to eat it so there wouldn’t be cake in fridge when I start my diet.

What if Punch is the Snow Monkey Antichrist and that’s why he’s been rejected and bullied by the others?

Single-panel cartoon by Tom Toro. It's a simple drawing, consisting of a single line. It starts on the left with the three steps of an Olympic medals podium, then continues to the right into a barstool and then a bar with a bottle and glass on it.

Ready to mount my own podium

they should invent a cost of living that goes down

GF: Here, finish this, I can’t. [Hands me her drink.]

Me: I see. Trying to give me your cold, eh?

GF: The cold you gave to me? Yeah.