Mat™️

The Mid Gatsby

Sometimes I'm hoping more for the opportunity to say "I told you so" than for the thing I told them about to not happen

America's like if a half smoked cigarette wished it was a country

Guacamole is just a goth shamrock shake.

Impression: ayy I'm fuckin Matt Damon and I'm on another planet eating shit potatoes

rapunzel is the sisyphus of shampooing

Sometimes one air pod battery is at 87% and the other at 83% because I'm listening harder on one side

Peter Peter war plan tweeter,
Fugly sex pest drunken creeper.
I hope he goes to Christian hell,
And has to bunk with Kash Patel.

Wuts wrong babe you’ve barely bent it like Beckham babe

605 to South Street
Doritos Auto Square

emotionally unstable senior citizen Barbie

(the movie!)

Need to get thrifty so i'm trademarking everything I've been told is just a me problem

in my corn dog era

one of those GAP sweaters but it says CPAP

SamSedersFaceWhenHeRealizesThePersonHesTalkingToDoesntUnderstandThatGovernmentAgenciesDontPayTaxes.gif

imagine being a hamster and also being called a hamster
like what if you didn’t even like ham

Bruce Springsteen and the E Skeet Band

Fishmonger? I hardly fishknow her

ASKEET/DSKEET

𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺

People who ask me for something “at your soonest convenience” have no idea how perpetually inconvenienced I am.

A year’s supply of free donuts would fix me.

Or kill me.

Same same.

Always choose forgiveness.

Unless your name's Ripley, then you're allowed to set them on fire and eject them into space.

You lost an hour?

Pffft... I once lost like three weeks.

Bitches ain’t shit but hoes n Trix are for kids

I want to break free
I want to break free
(But mostly)
I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ah

Doctor: You’re too concerned with elements 8, 95, and 53 on the periodic table.

Max Fischer: O, Am I?