Pasta Fazool

I knew a war with Iran was a bad idea, but I don’t want to say Ayatollah’d you.

Bill Gates has admitted to having two affairs while he was married.

It goes to show you, even a nerd with a bad haircut can get laid.

investing in a wet vac (throwing my dyson into the pool)

Forgot my heating pad on the wild side.

I only get sick at the prospect of having to be around other people.

Bill Gates has admitted to having two affairs while he was married.

He really threw the sanctity of his marriage right out the windows.

The biggest thing keeping me from being a pilot is my irrational fear of flying.

Please share vids and pics of your doggies in the snow ⬇️

hey guys, what’s up. live streaming the state of the union so you don’t have to OH MY GOSH HE DID A FLIP

I eat noodle. I breathe noodle. I read noodle. I sleep noodle. I? I am noodle.

Whenever I go to the dentist, I always remind him that I didn’t consent to a cavity search. Never gets a laugh.

And I thought Fred Durst ruined red hats.

I did not realize until age thirty that your face can’t actually get stuck like that

Discovering an awesome new band actually makes me angry now. Like bro I do NOT have time for this, but fine

Just destroyed my therapy cat on Yelp

Knowing what you know now would you ever get on a see-saw with another human being

Once you’ve seen a clown do karate, you’ll be a little more careful about who you laugh at.

My hunchback will someday be a burial mound.

[octopus mom when octopus child is misbehaving] i am going to count to EIGHT

If anyone saw how I load a dishwasher I'm sure I would be arrested

‪My favorite thing to do at the aquarium is standing in front of the blowfish tank and asking everyone who passes by where Hootie is. ‬

The most important part of assembling any type of furniture is to install at least one part the wrong way so that you have to take everything apart and redo it

Sorry if I'm messing things up this is my first time living through a dystopia

It is important for me to live close to public transit because I communicate telepathically with the city buses while I sleep.

Dr. Seuss struggling not to rhyme as he delivers his dad’s eulogy

Just like the Indian in the Cupboard, only it's my toothbrush that's come to life, and all it does is bitch about me not flossing enough.

can’t believe i evolved from primordial ooze for this *gestures to everything*

Running around, smacking strangers upside the head, screaming the mortally wounded screams of the perpetually "not it."

what if, for daylight saving time, we spring forward one hour and three years, what then?

the radical left cashier at the checkout is trying to make me pay for my groceries