TJ

The words were out of my mouth as soon as my brain was done overthinking.

Hahaha yeah but you can't move me the way reggae moves me

Yeah I snuck some protein powder into your chocolate milkshake. Because I care.

“Chappell Roan” sounds like a gated community.

I’m going to swim from Fort Lauderdale to Miami. Here’s the thing, though: It won’t be in the ocean it will be in those roadside canals.

little known lifehack, you can change your favorite color at any time

Save me. I’m in a house full of Leo’s.. sincerely a Cancer.

if i ever got witness protection programmed i would sue my previous self

What's the Hungarian word for toilet brush? I want to get this sexting right.

My nose is the fjord between the ocean of my tears.

playing dominos while watching Liquid Television is winning

Looking dead on at my phone, then awkwardly turn my head to see what time the clock on my nightstand says.

I'm special.

i am unwanted in 146 countries

if it was upto me i would have labelled all astronomical bodies as planets

dead ends don't scare me, it's the live ends that do

i qualify as a therapist in 36 countries

It's time to consider the world we want to leave for Godzilla

Could you repeat that? I was thinking about throwing up on your desk.

little raccoon in a US storm drain peering through the gap looking innocent as only chaotic little raccoons do

If you're looking for the clown, he's two storm drains over

You: *thinking you won an argument by getting in the last word
Me: *already forgot who you are

I am so moisturized I could slide under the door and into traffic

[ordering brunch]

hey, yeah, i’ll have the eggs benegesserit. are they spicy?