Dak

What’s your kink?

- asking for a fiend.

Cancel culture is giving people second chances. I’m happy for them. I prefer first impressions.

If semen contained collagen I would already be the bukkake queen.

So many people unfollow me when I say gross sex stuff like they forget this is the internet and that’s basically its entire purpose.

HR gave me a verbal warning for a telling a joke in the lunch room, so I told them a joke about receiving a verbal warning. Double warned. Now I’m meta-warned. Existing in warning limbo.

Tried canceling myself for bad takes. Turns out, I’m immune. Now I’m the villain in my own story.

Or too dumb.

My smart fridge just called me “mid” and locked my oat milk. Now I’m fistfighting its touchscreen at 3am. Vibes in shambles.

Coffee isn’t a drink, it’s a survival drug. It’s hot bean anxiety juice that tricks your body into thinking exhaustion is ambition.

Tried meditating but accidentally opened a portal to unresolved childhood issues.

I’m old enough to remember when “tracking” wasn’t about data — it was fixing the lines on your VHS so the movie didn’t look haunted.

BREAKING: Scientists can control crystals with light. Meanwhile I can’t control my phone brightness.

replying to deleted posts is time travel

Museum Guide: So we keep all our best paintings here in this room

Me: *way too loud* HALL OF FRAME

Guide: *taking out tazer* Look away everybody

Once I pulled out of a conversation entirely, by claiming I had to check on the lasagna, which confused others as we were in a queue to ride a rollercoaster.

My electric frypan died so now I have to use an acoustic one.

It’s my kink 🤷‍♂️

$200 in groceries later and I’m eating shredded cheese straight from the bag over the sink.

[opens DM]
[message says “hello friend”]
No I’m not.
[closes DM]

My lamps run on the emotional lag of unanswered messages.

The birds outside my window are holding a meeting about me. I can feel it.

[at a spider wedding]

congratulations to the newlywebs

If procrastination burned calories I’d be a fitness influencer by now.

Cashier said “join our program.” I said no. The lights dimmed. Thunder crackled. She asked if I wanted my receipt. The ceiling opened. I said sure.

A pigeon saluted me. I tried to salute back but it shook its head like I embarrassed us both.

fuck cheese. when i take a pic for someone i tell them to say worcestershire

we should play musical church pews and last one standing goes to hell

[hands barista a USB] My order’s on here. It’s complicated.