i found the best gp ever w no waitlist and just like that we are back on hrt and bipolar meds
+ progesterone (new for us)
+ will be looking into estrogen implants after we are back to level
i am winning today chat
i've been annoying everyone talking abt it, just trying to manifest some good luck for it
my glimmer of the day is potentially landing on something hopeful for continued trans healthcare for us. made a booking, hoping it works out
i am WINNING chat let me tell you
i have no idea how we are going to do this. its such a stacked month in a half. i swear our system is just ADHD personified as bunch of cat and lizard girls
already came across a transphobic comment from an old co-worker from many moons ago 🙃 lovely
do we begrudgingly have to use facebook and insta again to connect to local community, because it seems so
i honestly don't know what i'm doing. life was simpler 7 years ago when i only had mostly one rosemate to yell at
i've tried to list every significant thing the Roses have going on as projects & there are about 31 of them. kinda overwhelming. and we don't even have the usual responsibilities of ppl our age, like partner and kids.
i wonder how much of this all we can really do. but w/o some more structure: none
we have all the recording infrastructure for this lol, its the structural habit stuff that's lacking. we need some more consistent sense of drive and urgency bc i feel like a lot of stuff that has happened has been very reactive
another thing is just that we have just really bad or inconsistent memory issues and so we just need to be better about proactively writing stuff down too. esp stuff like mood tracking, stuff we did, meals, pest control observations, whatever
like, if we seek out something with our own hands, we will get something back we would have never otherwise. the world isn't gonna magically do that for us
yea ik i'm shouting here too but i did it after doing things. fuck fear, live, if we can't engage with ourselves& then engage with others first. break the cycle. even just a hello, follow up on a thing from the other day. smtimes it reveals a clue to solving another problem escape room style
imperfectly it doesn't matter. anything that will break our ridiculous thought cycles. shouting into the blue void doesn't count, it just keeps us in the cycle and with all the shit going around now? hahahaha
how can we solve isolation if the rosemates themselves are isolating.
i dont share this general hopelessness thats going around the rosemates now but boy am i frustrated by it. we get through by saying fck you to fear. we cut through the thought cloud and actually talk to each other, organize shit. talk to OTHER PEOPLE in any way shape or form about literally anything
i will try to pick up sewing when we go housesit for mum for a month
she has two unused sewing machines and some old clothes, and a lot more space than we do here.
i need us to survive
i can only assume much of what is compounding is trauma of sorts. this is what i think of when i try to reason about why we are always seemingly becoming more increasingly disabled. or at least we have had so much time in our own thoughts after freelance for 2+ years that we are confronting it
look i don't have the solution to the paralysing crippling anxiety problem pervasive within the roses. i know its complicated. stuff like fear of mania is real too. but i do know we ought to value ourselves a lot more, and value what ppl have to say about us before deciding that for them
only one of these messages got sent out, and it was the least important of them lol
what happened to all that energy and enthusiasm on the train ride home?
sigh, the roses defeating themselves one by one by all trying to respond to people, or send messages, only to wear themselves out after rewriting their messages 50 times each for 2 hours straight, some of them recursively writing messages to other ppl for advice only to then do the same thing there
i feel like we need to lean more into remember we are in fact several beings, and that we have to stop this weird self expectation we feel that we have to be fully across and address and tie loose ends of conversations/thoughts of our other headmates in spaces we are out plural
the problem with us are that there are many things to say, to think, to research, to learn, to have to talk to people about, and most importantly amongst ourselves& and i swear if i see another "more to say on this later" knowing i KNOW there will never be a follow up
i know none of us will do this but the actual solution to our problems is the roses should host a podcast
yes like, that's all well and good, we are doing the things, we are reconnecting with community, we are making efforts to rekindle our irl connections. but my god is our future hanging on a piece of thread and pure hope. i'm one who needs just a little more security
like, you are overlaying self worth into a situation you have no control over
girl you are way overthinking this
be kind to yourself
wonder what our sister thinks about the fact we are one year younger than her mother
