Allen Rios Comedy

Me in 2013

This weekend has been rough for celebrity deaths 😩 Check in on your parasocial friends we’re going through it

What I’ve learned this weekend from sports world is that Philip Rivers returning to football is a sign of the recession

This is the gay sex republicans are afraid of

Me to my boss: sorry I missed your call I was watching homoerotic wrestling videos on TikTok

You’re coughing because of a cold, I’m coughing because of a joint. We are not the same.

Today’s one of those “don’t trust your farts” kind of days. Sorry, tops 😔

In my first bj of my 30s I made a guy cum twice in 20 minutes. I think it’s gonna be a good decade

Just had a wholesome interaction on Sniffies where he wasn’t into me but we still wished each other the best. The gay community is healing ❤️‍🩹

Who else is in the very niche audience that wants to see a Ned Fulmer Armie Hammer podcast crossover? Just me?

Every time I go to the zoo, it reminds me that as I laugh at the monkeys, the aliens are laughing at me. And that’s how we’re connected in this great universe.

Yes I am watching The X-Files

This week I learned that Cracker Barrel and Crate & Barrel are two different things

The smell of good weed could make me c*m

The beauty of frozen pizzas is that you can set one to bake, go take a fat dump, and when you’re done scrolling Bluesky, you have a hot pizza and tummy space for said pizza

I didn’t ask them anything but it did make me wonder if I hit the penjamim too hard

I’m in a Chipotle that’s full of Amish people and me. Should I ask them anything? You have like 5 mins to come up with questions

Man the Love Island marketing is so good, I want a lil flip phone!

Does anyone else have that glitch with Peacock where they finish their Peacock add but the glitch adds an extra “c*ck” at the end? That’s my favorite thing right now

Today I had a very adult thought: You don’t need to bring your Switch 2 to the bathroom.

And then I thought: You’re not my mom.

Today at work I learned that you can copy/paste an attachment into an email and these are the wins that have kept me in an office job for the last 8 years

In these wild times, I’ve become so much more grateful of the small things. My bidet is the best thing that’s happened for my sensitive tummy 🥹🥹

Instagram captions called it Hellcrest and that’s such a good read. I’m afraid Instagram served 💅😈🔥

The way I’m so down B A D for Benito. I could be a glacier, he’d be global warming, and I’d still say thank you.

All the way down to the last inch…

The days are getting warmer, the men are showing skin again. Allen is happy.

Diving into Love Island for the first time! Internet says watch UK S3 first. Are they correct?

I can’t believe I’ve been doing theater/stage performance for half my life at this point 🥹

I had enough rewards for a free Chipotle today, and I am shocked to find out that free Chipotle is still meh Chipotle

Time to start that prison drag show, Georgie

It’s way too easy to eat two sleeves of 13 Oreos in one sitting.