telling my boss i need to go home because i sneezed three times and also i don’t want to be here today
04.03.2026 18:03
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telling my boss i need to go home because i sneezed three times and also i don’t want to be here today
My Onlyfans would be called GrannieFans and it would just be me sharing anecdotes from my teens in the 80’s.
someone at work told me i'm aggressively millennial
i just took a deep breath and got charged 20 bucks
If you're happy and you know it, ew
Spicy Dill Pickle, bro
a bumper sticker that says, "PLEASE BE PATIENT I AM SO SLEEPY 🥺"
Not now, Babe. I've got to gulp down this tangy psyllium husk before it gels.
are those goldfish even flavor blasted, bro
The nice thing about being unemployed is I don’t have to worry about my work wife getting upset with me.
gazed into the abyss and got left on read
Dick Hallorann and Danny Torrance having a conversation in The Shining (1980)
Tha fuck you mean I don’t die in the book?
Gonna just start replying "that's a lie" to every conversation I overhear because nothing matters anymore.
stop making up words, otolaryngologists
A painting of a man standing up in a town hall meeting expressing a controversial opinion to an attentive audience (Norman Rockwell’s Freedom of Speech)
I just think it’s kinda bullshit that they made Jack sit through a whole-ass job interview even though he was the caretaker and had always been the caretaker.
Mister Bee Mothman potato chips
now with 30% more mothman
that post made me blow air out of my nose so hard, bro
I don’t get any sleep because I’ve never been to Brooklyn
*accidentally making eye contact with myself as i wash my feet in the sink because they smell so bad*
me: the fuck you lookin at?
who up blair witch projecting
just over here tryna make the masses laugh thru the horrors
wondering if a passport is required to relocate to pluto
The CEO of Waffle House, gently throwing a chair but then really getting into it
Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.
I wouldn't try logging off you don't want to know what happened to the last guy
Not wife material, more like side piece material.
every time i pack for a trip i assume im going to start pissing myself three times a day
“What the fuck ever” means “you’re right but I don’t want to say that out loud”.
Getting a drunk text is the sincerest form of flattery.
I listen to sports talk radio while doing my morning arabesques.