Marl

A vasectomy would fix me

Pre-lunch and post-lunch versions of a person are two different people.

😫😫😫

Even birthday ones?

Yay!

It's by the sewer, let me check

Dogs know best

Nothing is scarier than a half deflated balloon drifting around the room.

Nothing.

Store aisle shelves stuffed on one side with inflatable ducks faces the other, stuffed with inflatable flamingos.

some shit is about to go down

I think I'm more concerned with the chips. Def prefer the small slivers rather than chunks

interviewer: any weaknesses?

me: my knees

One of the light bulbs in the fixture over my bathroom sink burned out and I finally have self-confidence

I've been contemplating this for way too long and I still don't have an answer

*world on fire

me: do you prefer the white or green mint chocolate chip ice cream?

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

Nobody ever tells me to just bring myself.

I don't know where Waldo is. I have my own problems.

I recently went axe throwing for the first time, and I learned three things:

1. I have terrible aim.
2. Waffle House is not an axe throwing venue.
3. Waffle House and its customers are very litigious.

𝘙𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺’𝘴 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 is my favorite film about deviled eggs.

🤣🤣🤣

This is getting out of hand. I just watched the CEO of Valvoline chug a quart of 10W-30 Full Synthetic on Tik Tok.

Me [turning on my favorite show]: I can’t wait to watch this week’s episode. They ended on a cliffhanger last week.

Show: *devotes entire episode to flashback*

Me: SON OF A

after I speak at group therapy, the facilitator inevitably says, ‘well, Betsy, that is an interesting way of looking at that’, like dude, I already know I am fucking weird tell me how not to be

No no - I just have to charge my phone enough that I can go to the bathroom

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”

My will to live is writing its will

Yasss!

😬😬🤣