Marl

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes.

A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

I like my men how I like my sheets, deep pockets.

now that there are no phone booths Clark Kent just strips naked in the street

I agree to turn the clocks forward but I’m keeping my hour of sleep.

WAS IT YOU??

Watched a guy hit on a Costco worker today. It was just as cringey as it sounds.

Slinky®️ is the official mascot of springing forward.

me: what the fuck?

the fuck: I didn’t say anything

She keeps her knives sharp and her tongue sharper

daylight saving private ryan

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

A vasectomy would fix me

Pre-lunch and post-lunch versions of a person are two different people.

😫😫😫

Even birthday ones?

Yay!

It's by the sewer, let me check

Dogs know best

Nothing is scarier than a half deflated balloon drifting around the room.

Nothing.

Store aisle shelves stuffed on one side with inflatable ducks faces the other, stuffed with inflatable flamingos.

some shit is about to go down

I think I'm more concerned with the chips. Def prefer the small slivers rather than chunks

interviewer: any weaknesses?

me: my knees

One of the light bulbs in the fixture over my bathroom sink burned out and I finally have self-confidence

I've been contemplating this for way too long and I still don't have an answer

*world on fire

me: do you prefer the white or green mint chocolate chip ice cream?

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

Nobody ever tells me to just bring myself.

I don't know where Waldo is. I have my own problems.