Doug Bayne

“Shit just got real” I said,
unaware that shit has been real for millions of years.

Play all the Adele you like.
I’ve been vaccinated against sad songs.

You can’t trust what you see in the mirror.
I mean, look at how badly it cocks up text.

Ah yeah.
Now I think about it, seagulls eat a lot of chips, too, completing the food triangle.

Birds shouldn’t eat other birds.
I mean- I get it with fish- there’s nothing else in the ocean.
But birds?
Come on.
Have you even tried looking in bins?

that's just what the mimic wants you to think

The friends we made along the way
made other friends along the way.
I feel so betrayed.

I’d be a lot braver if fingers grew back,
or even if I just thought they did.

Friends are brilliant.
They're just like pets but they can feed themselves.

Love alt rock?
You need to try ctrl alt rock

I’m definitely not ‘wielding a machete’
I’m just holding it.

They’re called ‘baby carrots’
But you can’t feed them to babies.
I don’t feel like this tragedy was entirely my fault.

I hope that if there is an environmental apocalypse,
everyone who recycled properly is exempt

Sometimes people are nice to you and it makes you remember-
“Oh yeah- you can’t hear what I’m thinking”

oh wow! amazing!

now you mention it...

Nice!

If dogs could read, I bet they'd choose not to.
Dog representation is pretty shitty in books.

Tubes are for toothpaste.
Sorry, oil paint.
You need to figure something else out or my mouth is staying blue.

I want to go to the nudist convention
but I've got something on.

“Astronaut” is ancient Greek for “Star Sailor”
But sadly that’s all we know about the ancient Greek space program.

I have seen the future and everyone gets plastic surgery.
Everyone looks younger, anyway.

...was I just looking at the past?

To call this tragic is an insult to the genre of tragedy.
This has been a farce.

Ha! Had to look this up. That opossum is really drooling as they drag it off.

Did anyone see the big game?
I didn’t.
Just a bunch of people running around.
If they’re not going to release big game onto the field, they shouldn’t call it that.

There’s lots of things I want to do before I die and a few things I’d like to try after.
Most of that ‘after’ list is winter sports.

Cats can see ghosts.
But only when there are ghosts there.
Which is never.
So cats totally wasted that wish.

Energy drinks don’t contain much usable energy.
I'm gonna stick to eating batteries.

Don't let the ducklings have social media or they'll all think they're ugly.