michael

I wonder what fresh hell I’ve woken up to today? Actually, I don’t want to know.

Can I get a plate?

Yes, I know about the HBO documentary. Yes, that's the same Jeffrey Mundt. Yes, he should still be in prison.

No, I haven't watched it. No, I was not contacted about it or involved with it in any way.

I need a drink and enough Xanax to tranquilize a wildebeest.

if the place i work gives me one more goddamn yeti or stanley water bottle i don't want or need...

y'all. i am hydrated. promise.

Love you Princey!

Just pretend like you’re cooking like a white person. Saves time!

i am very grateful that more often than not, convenience can trump saving a few bucks in my world.

Yes! That I knew. I read this as you quit using Siri. Now it makes sense.

Girl what

Oh. My. God.

I almost typed out your full government name. TABER.

You are a nuisance. No matter the app.

So will this 🥖. Why spend mine when I can spend yours?

@dadsaysjokes - Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

Hey Boo!

deviled eggs are so important.

Samesies.

Good. Bye.

Spock when he's in trouble:

WHY IS IT 85° IN OCTOBER? I live in Chicago, for fucks sake.

*when you had one hell of a weekend but all the charges were delayed.*

Disrespectfully over here

I love Chicago.

Big mood.

I should have blocked you a long time ago.

Why are you like this dad?

You can actually sleep until 9am? At our big age? Jealous.

Girl I will sponsor the cat, go get one!

RFK Jr. is an awful, terrible, no good, very bad man. He is vastly unqualified for his role. Fault him for many things, but not being a self-admitted recovering addict. Addiction is a disease people can’t often control without medical and mental health intervention, just like other diseases.