Dinosaur Comics!

T-Rex: Hello, glasses store? I've got you on speakerphone. I would like to buy some glasses! T-Rex: And as for my prescription... T-Rex: ...NONE!!

Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: This is gonna be great, Dromiceiomimus! I'm gonna be a GLASSES GUY. A guy who wears glasses! Dromiceiomimus: But why? T-Rex: Uh... STRATEGIC ADVANTAGE in CONVERSATIONS??

Utahraptor: You're gonna have to walk me through that one. T-Rex: Happily! T-Rex: You can take glasses off and clean them - buying you VALUABLE SECONDS to respond that non-glasses guys don't have! Plus, you can whip them off as a form of punctuation - and even point with them to REALLY underline what you're saying! This grants access to levels of rhetoric beyond my wildest dreams!!

Off panel: You have pretty tame dreams. T-Rex: Man, I know it! Everyone ELSE gets to dream of skydiving or whatever, and I'm always stuck dreaming of doing some menial task to no result! T-Rex: Anyway, glasses!!

none of his friends mention how hard it'll be for him to get them on his face, but that's because they're all happy to help him whenever he wants. OH SNAP, WHOLESOME MOMENTS IN DINOSAUR COMICS!!

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Narrator: UNIVERSES WHERE APHORISMS SUDDENLY BECOME LITERALLY TRUE COMICS Narrator: "You Are What You Eat"

Dromiceiomimus: Oh NO. Now we literally BECOME what we eat? This is it, T-Rex! This is the end! You eat too much cow and you become a cow! I eat too many carrots and my future is that of a carrot! T-Rex: FRIG! T-Rex: We're POOCHED!

Utahraptor: Wait, no! In such a universe, cannibalism is the only logical response! Utahraptor: If we eat our own, we'll become what we already are! But wait - no, this only works if ALL of us subscribe to cannibalism 100%, because ANY variance will get incorporated into us and spread amongst the larger population!

Off panel: Over time, this tends towards ALL of us becoming largely the same entity: a monstrous, writhing average of all the consumed and the consuming! A world of undifferentiated meat! T-Rex: Frig! T-Rex: I hate universes where aphorisms suddenly become literally true!!

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: a comic where precisely half of t-rex's lines are just variations of "Frig!"

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T-Rex: We divide up the oceans into different oceans, but c'mon - it's all the same ocean! T-Rex: *GASP* T-Rex: Wait, this applies to everything!

T-Rex: We divide up the planet into different countries, but it's all the same planet! And we divide us all up into these groups, but WE'RE ALL THE SAME SPECIES! Dromiceiomimus: I'm not. T-Rex: Okay, fine, we're all the same CLADE! A clade, of course, being a monophyletic group of organisms sharing the same common ancestor. Dromiceiomimus: Of course!

Utahraptor: But pterosaurs aren't dinosaurs, so they're not part of the same clade as us. T-Rex: EUGH! T-Rex: Utahraptor, I am TRYING to achieve some sort of ENLIGHTENMENT here, and instead I'm being bogged down in CLADE DEFINITIONS. How about this: we're all LIFE, so we're all in this together. Ruin that!! Utahraptor: This would be much more compelling if I didn't have to devour other forms of life to maintain my own.

T-Rex: Ah, I see the trouble here. I said "ruin that!!" when I should've said "please leave me in ignorance, it's very important for my mental health right now." T-Rex: My mistake!!

that's a big oopsie-doopsie on my part, and i apologize

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T-Rex: Wow, you'd think card companies would be on top of the latest trends in Cardworthy Moments, but APPARENTLY NOT?? T-Rex: Apparently it's up to ME to do their job for them??

Narrator: YOU GOT A NEW VIDEO GAME AND IT SUITS YOU PERFECTLY Narrator: I'm So Happy You're Playing It So Much And Talking About It To Me

Narrator: CONGRATULATIONS! ON YOUR DIVORCE Narrator: Everyone Is Happier Now - Including Us, Your Friends Narrator: WOW, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR HALF MY LIFE Narrator: That's Honestly Incredible, And I'm So Delighted We Reached This Milestone Narrator: Clearly You Are A Great Friend, And Clearly, I'm Not So Bad Myself Narrator: Let Us Party

Narrator: Sorry I Threw Up In That Car You Ordered For Me Under Your Account And Now Your Rating Got Dinged Even Though It Wasn't You Who Threw Up And Then Kept Muttering "Mamma Mia" Because You Were Drunk Enough To Think You Were Italian Narrator: "My Bad"

all these cards have dinosaurs on them because THAT'S WHAT SELLS, EVERYONE WANTS A DINOSAUR CARD, GET OUTTA HERE WITH THESE STOCK PHOTOS OF, LIKE, FLOWERS OR WHATEVER

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Narrator: T-REX HAS BEEN BLESSED! T-Rex: Yes, with my health, and my friends, and my - Narrator: HE HAS BEEN BLESSED TO KNOW WHICH OF THE THINGS HE BELIEVES... Narrator: ...ARE ACTUALLY TRUE! T-Rex: Oh dang that's good too!

T-Rex: Or wait - IS it? Do I WANT to know which things I think are true really ARE true? Because it also implies I would know which things I believe to be true are FALSE! Dromiceiomimus: Oh dang. Suppose you find out someone you think loves you doesn't! T-Rex: Or something I value is actually valueless!!

Utahraptor: It's far too risky. T-Rex: Then what do I do?? T-Rex: EASY: only use this new skill for profit. Convince yourself that you believe it'll be sunny with a high of 22 degrees tomorrow, and keep adjusting the belief until you hit the correct one! BAM: perfect forecasts, which is another way of saying YOU NOW KNOW THE FUTURE WITH UNERRING ACCURACY.

Narrator: LATER, T-REX LOSES HIS BLESSING BECAUSE HE USED IT TO BREAK CAUSALITY AND THEREFORE THE UNIVERSE: T-Rex: No regrets!! Well... SOME regrets. T-Rex: Okay: several regrets. T-Rex: Truth be told, I suspect I am MOSTLY made of regret at this point

next: t-rex gets a wooden nose that grows when he lies, and, you guessed it, uses it an an infinite source of free wood and therefore steam power

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T-Rex: Time for me to introduce my new character, the sensational find of the year. Everyone, please meet - T-Rex: JOHNNY DIVORCED!!

Dromiceiomimus: Oh. Is he - divorced, T-Rex? T-Rex: No. No! Happily married. Dromiceiomimus: So can I assume his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Divorced - T-Rex: Mr. and Mr. Divorced. Dromiceiomimus: Mr. and Mr. Divorced, are they married? T-Rex: They divorced, but it was in an incident that has no impact on the narrative.

Utahraptor: So why is he NAMED "Johnny Divorced" if he's not divorced?! T-Rex: Come on, dude! T-Rex: Is Sabrina Carpenter a CARPENTER? Is John Wick a part of a CANDLE? Utahraptor: Okay, fine, but - T-Rex: Did Jimmy Carter pursue the obsolete profession of using a horse and cart to move goods? DID DB COOPER CRAFT WOODEN CASKS??

Off panel: We don't actually know that last one. DB Cooper may have crafted wooden casks in addition to being a charismatic and successful air pirate. T-Rex: NO T-Rex: Because THAT is the role of my original character, JOHNNY DIVORCED!!

all these people t-rex mentions are dinosaurs. and i'm sorry to all the john wick fans out there who are now realizing that their favourite murder guy could've been way better if he was a DINOSAUR

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T-Rex: A "holotype" is the single individual used when a species is formally described. It's just one individual! T-Rex: It's just a single guy! T-Rex: And if you're the holotype, you get to represent the ENTIRE SPECIES!!

T-Rex: Isn't that AMAZING? When people wonder "hey, hold up, what DOES this species look like anyway??" they will look at YOU and say "oh, okay"! Dromiceiomimus: Should we become holotypes, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm a little surprised we're not ALREADY holotypes??

Utahraptor: You can't just CHOOSE to be a holotype! T-Rex: Sure you can! Just did! T-Rex: Now we're gonna walk into a SCIENCE LAB and "grease some palms" - literally or figuratively, whatever it takes - and GET IT DONE. Utahraptor: Well frig, I'd assumed it was impossible, but that sounds REAL POSSIBLE. Dude, let's ALL go become holotypes!!

Narrator: BUT THEN: T-Rex: The scientists REJECTED me! They said I shouldn't be walking around with my spine upright and my tail almost dragging on the ground!! Off panel: Rude! T-Rex: SO rude!! T-Rex: I keep it raised to neck level like 5/6ths of the day!

all bodies are beautiful but mine is like scientifically EXTRA hott

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Narrator: T-REX HAS BECOME BOSS OF THE WORLD! T-Rex: It was an accident! I didn't mean to!! T-Rex: However, I WILL be enforcing my will on the world immediately!

T-Rex: First order of business: "flammable" now means "can burn" and INflammable now means "can't burn". We are DONE with two words that SHOULD be opposites meaning the exact same thing. Dromiceiomimus: But I thought you were a fan of "dust" meaning "remove dust" and also "cover with dust"? T-Rex: ...FRIG, WAIT - I AM!

Utahraptor: Aha! You are fallible and inconsistent, and thus your will cannot help but be likewise! T-Rex: DANG IT. T-Rex: You're right, you're right. I had entertained the fantasy that simply if someone REASONABLE and SENSIBLE were in charge all our problems could be mended, but look at me: I messed up my very first decree! This is a CATASTROPHE. This was a bad idea from the start!!

Narrator: T-REX DOES HOWEVER SUCCESSFULLY END WORLD HUNGER WITH HIS NEXT DECREE: T-Rex: Not good enough! Off panel: But T-Rex - T-Rex: Words are still WEIRD!!

you're not the boss of me! oh, wait, you are? nevermind, my bad, my bad

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T-Rex: Everyone should go through life with a few FUN FACTS in their rhetorical pocket! So here's one: T-Rex: Humans have more BACTERIA cells in their bodies than they have HUMAN CELLS!

Dromiceiomimus: Ew, that's nasty. Nas to the T, T-Rex. T-Rex: No no, you've gotta keep in mind that bacteria cells are SMALLER than human cells, plus humans rely on things like gut biomes to help them digest food. So it's not NEARLY as nasty as it sounds! T-Rex: ...Still. Pretty nasty though, not gonna lie.

Utahraptor: Wait - WE'VE got gut biomes too! T-Rex: OH FUCK (no text)

T-Rex: Sorry for swearing but I forgot how we've got nasty bacteria in our bellies 24/7 and every time I remember I say OH FUCK!! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: OH FUCK

bacteria comix

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T-Rex: Did you ever wonder how DOGS evolved from WOLVES? The answer's actually quite interesting! So it all starts with - Narrator: URINARY TRACT INFECTION COMICS T-Rex: Wait, what?

T-Rex: Uh - so, as I was saying, dogs are remarkable because there's so much VARIATION in both their size and breeds, much more than we see in wolves, which - Narrator: URINARY TRACT INFECTION COMICS T-Rex: But I - T-Rex: I don't know that much about urine holes

Utahraptor: "Urine holes"? That's the best phrase you could come up with?? T-Rex: I SAID I DON'T KNOW ABOUT 'EM!! T-Rex: I know about DOGS and I learned some things about WOLVES but only how they pertain to DOGS! Utahraptor: Dogs have urine holes. T-Rex: Maybe! That's a gap in my dog knowledge!! Please do not come to me for medical advice!

Narrator: ANTIBIOTICS ARE OFTEN USED AS A FIRST TREATMENT IN CASE OF A URINARY TRACT INFECTION T-Rex: That may or may not be true! I HAVE NO TRAINING, NO INTUITION!! I don't even have a urine hole! T-Rex: I HAVE AN EVERYTHING HOLE

i looked up "how to treat a UTI" and now will see ads about it for at least a month. i do this... for YOU

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T-Rex: People often have pictures of their family in their home. To that I say: FAH! T-Rex: And by "FAH!" I mean "hey, good start, but why stop there?"

T-Rex: I think we should have pictures in our houses not just of family, but of our FRIENDS. In fact, I think it so much, it's what I'm doing from now on! I'm gonna have nice photos of nice pals to look at and make me happy! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! That's sweet. T-Rex: RIGHT? I'm a good guy!

Utahraptor: But where do you draw the line? T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: You've created a VISIBLE THRESHOLD in every one of your friendships: are you photo-worthy or not? What happens if I come over expecting a photo of me and find none? T-Rex: Then you'll be so mad at me that we'll become worse friends and the problem solves itself! HAH!

Off panel: Okay, sure, but what if I think it's creepy you keep a photo of me? T-Rex: See my response to the question you posed immediately preceding this one! T-Rex: KEEPING PHOTOS OF FRIENDS IN YOUR HOUSE: A NO-DOWNSIDES LIFESTYLE CHOICE

keep a large framed painting of one (1) friend in my house. but if you add more than one then it becomes this Whole Thing

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T-Rex: There are so many people alive right now! SO MANY. Billions and billions of dudes! T-Rex: And don't even get me started on the LADIES!!

T-Rex: Plus the non-binary pals in there too. And with so many people kickin' around, how can a gent SUCH AS MYSELF make himself unique? How can I stand out from the crowd? Dromiceiomimus: Easy! Just believe things that nobody else believes, and you'll be unique. T-Rex: I'M ON IT!

Narrator: BUT THEN: T-Rex: I'm off it! It's way too hard! Utahraptor: How?! T-Rex: Man, you think "I'm gonna believe something SO FOUNDATIONALLY WACKY that nobody else will have ever believed it before now," but no - SOMEBODY ALWAYS DOES! Utahraptor: Like flat Earth? T-Rex: Oh please, that's just entry-level wacky.

T-Rex: I got as far as "Iceland isn't named after ice, it's named after Isis the Egyptian mother goddess of magic and wisdom, and thus is properly called "Is-Land" - AND SOMEBODY BEAT ME TO IT! Off panel: Damn. T-Rex: Turns out, all I got are a bunch of USED IDEAS!!

billions and billions of dudes. possibly too many?? clearly more investigation into the dudes is needed

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Narrator: So You've Decided To Stop Being An Infinite Being Of Pure Energy And Become Corporeal Instead T-Rex: Great choice! T-Rex: Many who decide to become mortal being of flesh and blood DO live to regret it...

T-Rex: ...but only briefly! Dromiceiomimus: On the time scales YOU'RE used to, anyway! Dromiceiomimus: Now, you're probably wondering about your new body. Will it be perfect? T-Rex: Oh, HEAVENS no.

Utahraptor: But will it at least be "pretty good"? T-Rex: TOTAL roll of the dice! T-Rex: Luckily, there are aftermarket add-ons you can get for your body once you're inside it that attempt to fix these flaws, such as "glasses", "medical footwear", and "corrective surgeries", but these all require "money". Utahraptor: So you'll want to ensure you've got a bunch of THAT.

T-Rex: Don't forget: all happiness you will ever experience now depends on chemicals that you must rely on your body to excrete, but SOMETIMES, it won't! Off panel: That is CLASSIC bodies right there. T-Rex and off panel: NO REFUNDS!!

i knew i should've stayed an infinite being of pure energy; all the other infinite beings of pure energy told me but did i listen? NO because they were ANNOYING

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T-Rex: One time in high school I signed up for a fully-optional math test, as part of a fully-optional math competition! T-Rex: And then I didn't study at all!! T-Rex: Not even a li'l!

Dromiceiomimus: Wait, WHY didn't you study for this thing? T-Rex: Because I was a LITERAL TEEN. I thought I'd be fine! I'd figure it out on the day or whatever. Dromiceiomimus: Did you do well? T-Rex: NOT EVEN CLOSE. Last place!!

Utahraptor: Sounds like a real humiliating defeat! T-Rex: Oh yeah, it was! T-Rex: BUT: the plus side is, it taught me I wasn't preternaturally smart or competent - I could fail like anyone else, and good things take work. And that's a great thing to learn! Utahraptor: True. I can think of SEVERAL people who could stand to learn that, and the world would be a better place if they did!

Narrator: HUMILIATING DEFEATS: AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT. T-Rex: So, if you really think about it, my last-place finish actually makes me a better person than everyone who DID do well, and - Off panel: NO.

what about mortifying defeats, or cringeworthy losses? how precisely do those factor in

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T-Rex: Everyone should have a goal they're working towards. God: WHAT'S YOURS T-REX IS IT WORLD PEACE OR ENDING HUNGER OR T-Rex: Real-life Batmobile! T-Rex: REAL-LIFE BATMOBILE!!

Dromiceiomimus: But real life Batmobiles ALREADY exist, T-Rex: they've made them for the movies, and fans have duplicated them! T-Rex: No! All of THOSE make concessions to reason, to finances, to PHYSICS. I want a Batmobile that doesn't give up and meet reality half-way. I want a Batmobile that does it all! Oil slicks! Ejector seats! Caltrops! JET ENGINES! MISSILES!

Utahraptor: Splitting into three pieces and rejoining later? T-Rex: YES! T-Rex: I want it to be CAPABLE of driving up walls, even if it never does. Utahraptor: So what you want is a missile, that's also a car that you can steer, that also - somehow - avoids killing you instantly. T-Rex: YES PLEASE.

God: YOU KNOW T-REX IN HEAVEN YOU CAN DO ANYTHING BUT EVEN THERE THE BATMOBILE IS A BIT MUCH T-Rex: Well then, someone should do something about that! Like me! T-Rex: BY USING AND DRIVING MY REAL-LIFE BATMOBILE

in heaven you can do anything EXCEPT make heaven suck, and that's on account of how the main thing about heaven is that it doesn't suck too bad IF AT ALL

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T-Rex: Because I could not stop for Death - Narrator: Continue not stopping for Death - you've got a MUCH more pressing concern! Turn to panel 2 Narrator: See if he'll stop for you instead: panel 3 T-Rex: (I really had to pee) - Narrator: Turn to panel 5

T-Rex: He kindly stopped for me - Narrator: Check in with your bladder: turn to panel 2 Narrator: Examine carriage: turn to panel 4

T-Rex: The Carriage held but just Ourselves - Utahraptor: And Immortality. Narrator: Turn to panel 6 T-Rex: And in the end it worked out fine - Utahraptor: I made it home to pee! Narrator: Turn to panel 6

T-Rex: I call this comic, "Famous Works Of Poetry As They Were Intended To Be Enjoyed, But We Didn't Know About Interactive Media Yet" T-Rex: But now, we DO! Narrator: THE END

CHOOSE YOUR OWN POETIC ADVENTURE WITH EMILY DICKINSON (SHE IS UNAWARE THIS IS HAPPENING; PLEASE DO NOT TELL HER ESTATE)

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T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, who was the world's GREATEST Detective but the world's LEAST-TALENTED pickleball player, frowned. T-Rex: Somehow, he'd been roped into a game of pickleball!

T-Rex: Sherlock was hopeless, absolutely hopeless. HE was dressed in his classic "Sherlock outfit", and the heavy Victorian overcoat was making him extra sweaty and SUPER extra smelly. He spun wildly as he swung for the ball, missed, lost his balance, and fell hard on his butt. T-Rex: Sherlock looked desperately around for any crimes that needed solving, but there weren't any!

Utahraptor: Damn, Sherlock sucks at this! T-Rex: Oh, dude, you have NO IDEA. T-Rex: His teammates are annoyed because they think he's doing it on purpose, and that makes Sherlock cry with frustration, and so then everyone has to be nice to him because he's crying but he's absolutely ruining everyone's fun - AND HE KNOWS IT. Nobody is happy!

T-Rex: Finally someone says "hey, I think that guy murdered someone" and Sherlock runs off, desperately thankful for the excuse. He turns over the match in his head for several days but can never reconcile the man he was during it with the man he supposed himself to be.

Sherlock had gone "full Sherlock" when dressing this morning and even Watson had to be like, okay you're dressed like Sherlock Holmes, WE GET IT

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T-Rex: Sometimes in our lives we face conflict! We disagree with someone and we MUST work it out. T-Rex: Or MUST we?

T-Rex: Because I've just found out that everyone LIED to us and there's a whole lifestyle where you never have to face ANY conflict!! Dromiceiomimus: WHAT?! I've been doing the difficult labour of working out differences in my interpersonal relationships for my entire life AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO?? T-Rex: Right?!

Utahraptor: What's this incredible lifestyle called? T-Rex: "Conflict avoidance". T-Rex: You simply avoid ever confronting anything - OR anyone! You just act like it doesn't bother you - fake it till you make it, baby - and become a PEOPLE-PLEASER, always agreeing to what OTHERS want! Utahraptor: Wow! Who WOULDN'T want to please people? T-Rex: EXACTLY!!

Off panel: But wait - it says here that never resolving conflicts leads to stunted emotional growth?! T-Rex: Sounds great, I don't need my dang emotions growing any larger ANYWAY! Off panel: I don't think that's what that means! T-Rex: OH NO

i love conflict avoidance, and if YOU think conflict avoidance is bad then yeah maybe you're right!!

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Narrator: WHAT THE MOST YOU'VE EVER SPENT ON A RESTAURANT MEAL SAYS ABOUT YOU Narrator: in comic form T-Rex: ONE HA'PENNY: you lived in history times and are dead now!

Dromiceiomimus: ONE DOLLAR: you eat very little and hopefully lived in the past too. T-Rex: TEN DOLLARS: still quite frugal! Are you good at the economy, or are you another past person? If you lived and died in the time of Charlemagne, you have to tell us.

T-Rex: ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS: wow, a fancy meal! But I guess we're all allowed one ONCE in a while. Utahraptor: Sure! Utahraptor: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS: this is getting to once-in-a-lifetime space. T-Rex: Or MAYBE they're eating FIVE hundred-dollar meals all at once, thereby banking 'em for the week! Utahraptor: You shouldn't do that, T-Rex. T-Rex: I HAVE FREE WILL!!

Off panel: ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS: you're either rich or from the future, where everything's expensive. T-Rex: OR, you ate TEN fancy meals all at once, thereby banking 'em for TWO weeks. Yum! Off panel: ...T-Rex. T-Rex: MY WILL, SHE IS FREE

some days you just want to write a comic that will become instantly dated. greetings, future readers - remember when spending more than $100 on eating out was REMARKABLE??

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T-Rex: If you want to become a good rapper then you have to become good at rhyming! T-Rex: I assume this is the case, anyway!

T-Rex: Look, you're taking advice from a guy who is NOT a rapper on how to BE a rapper, so let's all go into this with our eyes open. I have no idea and have done no research, BUT, I feel relatively certain you need to get good at rhymes. Dromiceiomimus: And how do you do that? T-Rex: Same way you do anything!

Utahraptor: Do it over and over until you're good at it! T-Rex: Precisely! T-Rex: You have to start rhyming everything you say, each and every day, until your rhymes come out pretty okay! Utahraptor: But what about meter, prosody, and vocal presence? T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...I don't know what those are

Narrator: MUCH LATER: T-Rex: I know what those are now and they're important too.

it's important to be good at it and if you have talent that can make it easier, especially at the start. hope this helps!!

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T-Rex: Sometimes even the best of us get frustrated! I know this because I'm the best of us. T-Rex: Given that I am alone right now, "us" is just me, making that claim easy to make!

Dromiceiomimus: Ah, but now that I'M here, are you STILL the best of us? T-Rex: Yes, of course - because "best" can be more than one! Dromiceiomimus: The two of us are the best of us, where "us" is everyone else? T-Rex: Exactly!

Utahraptor: Okay, but what about when I'M here? T-Rex: We're all STILL the best of us, dude! T-Rex: Honestly, as long as we don't include the #1 worst guy of us, then the rest of us ARE the best of us. Utahraptor: So by that logic, the best of the best of us is everyone save for the TWO worst guys? T-Rex: That's it, yes!

T-Rex: And the best of the best of the best of us is everyone save for the THREE worst guys on Earth. Off panel: Huh! T-Rex: Yeah, just don't tell them though or they'll be REAL SHITTY about it

i think you shouldn't be friends with someone if they won't proudly proclaim that you're definitely not the WORST dude

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T-Rex: People say you can't buy happiness, but they're WRONG! T-Rex: They're WRONG, and I have PROOF!

T-Rex: Pets make you happy, and you can buy a puppy. Therefore - Dromiceiomimus: Therefore, money buys happiness. Yes! Dromiceiomimus: I've gotta go, T-Rex - I'm not going to delay being happy for a moment longer! To the federal puppy depository!

Utahraptor: But puppies take work! Lots of it, especially at the start! T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: Yes, that's the scam: they're a HUGE amount of work but for some reason past generations just agreed to pretend they're not! And now every our whole culture says they're these wee bundles of joy, and WE pay the price!! T-Rex: But... Dromiceiomimus! SHE JUST WENT TO THE FEDERAL PUPPY DEPOSITORY!!

Off panel: Don't worry T-Rex! We're all mature adults here, and I would never enter into such a long-term responsibility with an animal without being prepared! P.S.: it's me, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Thanks, bud! Off panel: I know I'm hard to see from so far away so I just thought I'd specify

they're little bundles of joy that you can't talk to but need to somehow teach complicated concepts to, and they have knives for teeth but don't know it yet. what could go wrong

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T-Rex: There are so many types of people! And by that I mean "precisely three". Narrator: THE THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE

T-Rex: The first type are the people who never forget anyone's name, are completely comfortable at a party where they don't know anyone, and love to work a room. They are angels, and they exist to let us know how far the rest of us have fallen. Dromiceiomimus: Like all angels, they come into your life unexpectedly. T-Rex: To remind you of how bad you are at a party where you don't know anyone, yes.

Utahraptor: What's the second type of people? T-Rex: Normal people! T-Rex: We "normies" forget people's names all the time - and even when you think "I've met T-Rex ten times, there's no way he's gonna forget my name" but SURPRISE, because I find a way. This is normal and should be allowed, even celebrated. Utahraptor: Uh-huh. And the third type of people?

T-Rex: Catchall category for anyone who doesn't fit into the first two categories. OH SNAP! Now you HAVE to admit that my ontology is PROVABLY true and complete!! Off panel: ...But that doesn't mean it's good. T-Rex: JUST ADMIT THAT I CAPTURED ALL OF THE TYPES OF DUDES IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE

in truth there are simply two types of people: people of the first type, and people of the other types

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T-Rex: It's a new year! And, as is tradition... T-Rex: ...it is also a NEW ME.

Dromiceiomimus: Oh that's too bad, T-Rex! I liked the you I already knew, but I guess it HAS been getting to be that time. T-Rex: Yeah, I liked the old me too! But new year, you know. I don't make the rules. Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, these are the terms we all live under!

Utahraptor: So what are you thinking - a relaunch? Reboot? Retooling? T-Rex: I'm thinking: FULL REBOOT. T-Rex: There will be parts you recognize, but many of them will be updated and different, portrayed by actors you don't recognize. And there'll be cheeky little nods to the old me, but in a winky way. Oh! And maybe the old me will come back as a cameo, but now playing my grandfather or something.

Off panel: Honestly, this doesn't sound nearly as good as what we already have. T-Rex: I know, I know!! T-Rex: But it's a NEW YEAR, and idioms have TOO MUCH POWER!

wait, i ALSO have to forget all my old acquaintances? BUT THEY WERE SUCH A GREAT SUPPORTING CAST FOR ME

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T-Rex: Clocks are in base 24 for hours (0-23) but sometimes they're base 12 with an "am" or "pm" added for clarity! T-Rex: RIDICULOUS.

T-Rex: And it gets worse, because MINUTES and SECONDS are base 60! We REPRESENT them in base 10, but come on, we are mixing anywhere from two to four bases here for TIME ITSELF. That is MADNESS!

Utahraptor: See, I would've thought you'd be into something called "sexagesimal". T-Rex: NORMALLY, I would be! T-Rex: But some things are even more important than numeral systems with really erotic names. Utahraptor: And now you're going to propose decimal time, and I'm going to say let's get metric done worldwide before we try to REDEFINE TIME ITSELF, and you're going to admit I'm right.

T-Rex: Huh! Utahraptor, your summary there saved us minutes of time! Off panel: NORMAL minutes or decimal minutes, T-Rex? T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...Normal minutes

you can't spell "sexagesimal" without "ages"! and i have NO IDEA what that implies

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T-Rex: Okay, let's try this again. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: Responsibilities! Most of us got 'em. T-Rex: ...

T-Rex: ...Okay phew! Anyway, AS I WAS GOING TO SAY - most of us have responsibilities, so... we must LIKE them, right? There's no sense in a bunch of us having something we don't like. Dromiceiomimus: I don't know about that, bud! A bunch of us have debt, but don't find it to be a thrill a minute!

T-Rex: Wait, can we treat responsibilities LIKE debt? Utahraptor: Explain! T-Rex: Debt can be forgiven, right? All it takes is the creditor saying "actually nevermind lol" and the debt goes away. Could all my dang responsibilities be forgiven too? Utahraptor: T-Rex, I think that's called "being fired".

Off panel: Yeah - I think if you got fired, and all your friends and family and pets abandoned you, AND you lost your home, you MIGHT be responsibility free for a little while. T-Rex: Yesss Off panel: Excepting, of course, all the responsibilities you owe yourself. T-Rex: Noooooooo

how can i be REsponsible if i haven't been sponsible yet even once

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T-Rex: Responsibilities! Everyone's got 'em. God: NOT EVERYONE'S GOT 'EM T-REX T-Rex: Most of us got 'em!

Dromiceiomimus: Hold up, who DOESN'T have responsibilities? T-Rex: God, I guess? Since I think if you imagine God's got this boss that he has to report to, then you're doing a heresy. Dromiceiomimus: Oh dang, yeah, I don't think you're supposed to do that. Even a little ENTRY-LEVEL heresy is pretty bad in certain circles.

Utahraptor: Is someone doing full-on heresies in here? T-Rex: Hey, yeah, sorry, that was me! T-Rex: I got a little carried away and maybe created some new heresies. Utahraptor: Dude!! Heresies are the one thing you're NOT supposed to create! T-Rex: I know, I'm sorry! It's my first heresy and, God's hardass boss willing, my last.

T-Rex: ...FRIG, THAT'S TWO!!

heresy comix

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T-Rex: Kids today are always sneaking into caves! And you know what they're doing in there? T-Rex: I'll TELL you what they're doing! T-Rex: They're painting DEER on the WALLS instead of hunting and gathering with their families!

T-Rex: I don't know what to do. I tell them "stop painting deer" and you know what they do? They paint a really stupid-looking deer - seriously, the worst deer you can imagine, a full-on baloney deer - and then they call me into the cave and point at it and say "look, that's you." Dromiceiomimus: Can you see the painting clearly? Isn't it dark? T-Rex: THEY HAVE TORCHES! This is a diss that takes PLANNING and like, INFRASTRUCTURE!

T-Rex: I worry about the next generation of kids. I really do! Utahraptor: Same, bud! Utahraptor: I caught some kids today TILLING. They were like "we're gonna plant seeds instead of gathering; this way we can stay in one place instead of moving all the time and can create longer-lasting buildings." T-Rex: INFRASTRUCTURE! It's always the same! WHY do kids love INFRASTRUCTURE so much?

Narrator: LATER, IN A CAVE: T-Rex: Dang it! I wanted to come here to sit in the dark and smell bear poop, and now that my eyes have adjusted, you know what I see? T-Rex: DEER! T-Rex: DEER ALL OVER THE FRIGGIN' WALLS

what is this: charcoal mixed with saliva and - is that ANIMAL FAT?! oh boy, when i find out who's doing this they're in SO MUCH TROUBLE

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T-Rex: True, the body has its many and varied cascading flaws, always shifting and multiplying unpredictably like elements in a kaleidoscope, but there are some things it does well: T-Rex: URINE COLOUR, baby!

T-Rex: The colour of your pee can tell you health things! If it's clear, don't drink so much water! If it's dark yellow, drink more water! And if it's cloudy, you've probably got a urinary tract infection! T-Rex: As you can see, carefully observing your own pee is a fun, convenient, and FREE way to check up on your body's status!

Utahraptor: Plus if it's red, then there's probably blood in it, which is bad. T-Rex: INDEED. T-Rex: Blood's a special case though, because it's generally bad if your blood's somewhere it's not usually. Utahraptor: Blood in your saliva? T-Rex: BAD. Utahraptor: Blood in your eyeballs? T-Rex: BAD.

Off panel: Blood all over your macaroni and cheese? T-Rex: NOT GREAT, BUD. Off panel: ...Oh frig. I've - Off panel: I need to go

MENSTRUATION IS DIFFERENT, AND ALSO THESE ARE DINOSAURS SO THEY'RE NOT USED TO IT, SO AS YOU CAN SEE THE FACT THAT EVERYONE IS DINOSAURS IN THIS COMIC IS DEFINITELY PAYING OFF IN THIS PARTICULAR INSTANCE

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T-Rex: Many people fear aging, but they forget that in some ways it actually rules! And thus, I am here to present... Narrator: ADVANTAGES TO BEING OLD

T-Rex: FIRST OFF: memory loss! Whomst among us hasn't laid in bed in the small hours of the morning, staring at the ceiling while reliving all of our greatest mistakes and most embarrassing blunders? Well, GUESS WHAT?? T-Rex: When you're sufficiently old you won't remember them anymore! The sweetest dreams are those made in the bliss of ignorance!

Utahraptor: Won't I also forget my loved ones? T-Rex: Sure. Absolutely, yes. T-Rex: But ALSO your hated ones: they too will fade into the mists of time! YES: forgetting everything save for your vague sense that you've lost something precious and irreplaceable feels bad, but that's why it's so important to convince yourself NOW that forgetting all the duds you've ever known is GOOD, actually!!

Off panel: You promised ADVANTAGES to being old, plural, yet offered only a single and extremely suspect one. T-Rex: Yes. Perhaps you are frustrated? Annoyed? T-Rex: Just think of how good it'll feel to forget this conversation when you're OLD!

Advantages to Being Old: a comic written by someone who is SO COMMITTED to growing old that if he doesn't do it he'll DIE

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