Jim Tews

This machine makes ICE cubes.

Next First Draft Feeling premieres Wednesday on YouTube Dec 10th @ 8pm ET. Come join me and two of my favs @carmenlagala.bsky.social & @jimtews.com work on new jokes about weight loss, medical procedures, roommates, being 40 & car vandalism YouTube.com/lizmiele to watch

Once you see it.

They call it "Wonder" cause it moves into your neighborhood and you wonder where all your favorite local spots went.

If Zohran becomes mayor of NYC I will move.
To the kitchen.
Where I keep the celebratory champagne.

I like how we've started treating NYC mayoral candidates like romantic interests on Seinfeld.

ELAINE: He ate a burrito with a knife and fork!
JERRY: So?
ELAINE: On the subway, Jerry!
JERRY: Oh no.

Dr. Teeth, Janice, and Animal live from the Tompkins Square Dog Parade

The look this fall in Bushwick: “I hiked through the woods to see Turnstile.”

Generations of Americans romanticize cars because they associate it with the first time they had sex. If it were easier to have sex in a bike or on a bus, we’d have better urban infrastructure.

Froze my credit this morning. Can't wait to thaw it in twenty years and teach it all about the strange new world its living in.

I need the YouTube algorithm to understand that an interest in skateboarding does not equal, or lead to, an interest in in-line skating. If the algorithm was alive in the 90's it would know that.

This administration's "look what you made me do" approach to leadership is weak, dawg. Imagine taking your daddy issues out on entire population.

💯💯💯💯💯💯

Financial gurus: I have about 73 cents left over at the end of every month and I'd like to invest. I'm 44 and would like to retire by 125. I'm willing to take some risks, but prefer long, steady growth. Thoughts?

An animated joke about my favorite video game, NBA Jam!

Animated by @jimtews.com

Comedian destroys heckler

I've been doing some editing work for Sesame Street this month so between catching news bytes about the fabric of our country disintegrating, I get to watch Sesame Street.

People will say its hard to survive a career in the arts because of unpredictability, but it's actually pretty consistent. I've made the same amount of money every year for the past decade.

We're going to get Nazi Germany without the whole Weimar era arts and culture stuff. No experimental theatre and crazy films. No design movements. Just a homogenous Netflix series and fever dream TikToks of Will Smith eating spaghetti and then authoritarianism.

I hold my own general strike for about twenty minutes every morning before the coffee kicks in.

Modern medicine is a load of hooey. I prefer tried and true remedies handed down from the village healer, right before they died of a mystery illness at 38.

A career in the arts is a marathon, not a sprint. And a lot of people shit themselves during marathons so don't feel weird about doing that.

Ben affleck struggling to walk himself as Batman.

celebrities out walking the characters they’ve played instead of their dogs: thread

Why do I keep obsessing over which new action camera to buy when I mostly just climb stairs and roll around the skatepark once a week, barely leaving the ground? Where is this action I supposedly need captured by a specific camera?

It's the kind of asshole you can be when you have no real cultural oppressors and conversely, no real social power beyond shit-stirring or acting oppressed.

People wanting to pin a binary political affiliation to premeditated shooters, (who are usually young white dudes) are completely oblivious to the extremely online, antisocial, political nihilist types they more likely are --

Hey, if you don't like it, vote with your dollar. And the more dollars you have, the more votes you get oh damn I see the problem now.

Just going through the Bible again as I do every Sunday and I FINALLY found the part where Jesus goes to college campuses and argues with the woke lepers. I guess I was wrong about CK.

Whenever I schedule a meeting I try to schedule it for 2p on a Tuesday because then when someone’s like “When am I meeting with Jim Tews? Oh right, 2 on Tuesday… wow. Thoughtful guy.”

The crybabies are in charge.