J. R. Eldridge

Greet one another with a holy kiss, and no, Philanderos, that doesn’t mean a kiss on the hole! – Romans 16:16

Greet Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas, Stegosauros, Diplodokos, Christodoulopogrammatikopophlopildoppiloppulos and… Steve. – Romans 16:14

Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord, and his mother, who has been a mother to me too… His mother that is, not Rufus. Rufus has been more like a… casual acquaintance to me. But his mother? Nice lady; makes wonderful cookies. – Romans 16:13

Greet my dear friend… What does that say? ‘Penis’…? Oh, Persis! Yes, I know her well, she’s quite upstanding and works very hard in the Lord. – Romans 16:12

Greet Tryphena and Tryphosa, those women who work hard for the money, so you’d better treat them right. – Romans 16:12

Greet those in the household of Narcissus who are in the Lord. They’ve helped me out immensely, well, that is, when I could tear them away from their mirrors… - Romans 16:11

Greet Amputatus, or Stumpy as we like to call him. He’s done great work for us despite having no limbs. He rolled from town to town spreading the good news. – Romans 16:8

Greet Andronicus and Junia, my fellow Jews who have been in prison with me. Didymus was there too, but he can get fucked! He hogged the top bunk, and I won’t even go into what he did in the showers! – Romans 16:7

Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my fellow workers in Christ Jesus. They risked their lives for me, diving in to get my phone when I dropped it in the orca tank at Sea World. The phone was completely fucked, but still, it was a nice gesture. – Romans 16:3-4

I commend our sister Phoebe, a servant of the church in Cenchreae. She sold the most raffle tickets, so she gets to go to Space Camp! – Romans 16:1

Pray that I may be kept safe from the unbelievers in Judaea and that I don’t… I dunno… get arrested by the Romans and carted off to Rome to live the rest of my life under house arrest. – Romans 15:31

Since I have been longing for many years to visit you, I plan to do so when I go to Spain. We can frolic on the beaches, go wine tasting and eat tapas, and I know this really banging club in Ibiza! – Romans 15:23

Therefore, I have reason to boast. Though God has worked through me, it was ME who led the Gentiles to obey God, and ME who travelled from Jerusalem all the way round to Illyricum, proclaiming the gospel of Christ. – Romans 15:17-19

I myself am convinced, my brothers and sisters, that you yourselves are full of creamy goodness, and I intend to suck that goodness from you before the day is done! – Romans 15:14

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. But don’t get any on my carpet, I just had it cleaned! - Romans 15:13

For even Christ did not please himself, that’s why he was so eager to hook up with Mary Magdalene and washed his disciples’ feet with the hope they’d reciprocate! – Romans 15:3

We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbours for their good, to get them up. For didn’t Christ himself say, ‘Wank not, lest ye be wanked’? – Romans 15:1-3

It is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. So, if someone trips over a rock, you should under no circumstances eat that rock! – Romans 14:20

Make up your mind not to put any stumbling-block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister—your siblings might prank you back—instead, put them in front of your children. It’ll be hilarious and build character! – Romans 14:13

One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. Sometimes faith makes you lactose intolerant, and some people explode when exposed to gluten. – Romans 14:2

The commandments, ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ ‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not covet’… I think there’s one in there about yeast… ‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,’ ‘Do or do not, there is no try’… All that good stuff. – Romans 13:9

Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn, sing with those who sing, and have belching contests with those who belch. – Romans 12:15

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members… Why are you looking at me like that? We all have five penises, right…? One on the front, two on the back, and a couple of micro ones under our armpits. Right?! – Romans 12:4

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: do not think of yourself more highly than you ought. To be frank, you’re not the brightest group of people, and I’ve seen elephants’ rectums that are less unsightly! – Romans 12:3

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer me your bodies, holy and pleasing to God, and form a queue outside my bedroom – this is your true and proper worship. – Romans 12:1

I am talking to your genitals. Inasmuch as I am the apostle to the genitals, I’ve also been known to slip a pinkie in the anus. I take pride in my ministry in the hope that I may somehow arouse my own people. That is to say, don’t be afraid to tickle to prostate. – Romans 11:13-14

Didn’t Elijah appealed to God against Israel, saying, ‘Lord, they have killed your prophets and torn down your altars; I am the only one left, and they are trying to kill me’?
And didn’t God’s answer him, ‘Fuck off, I’m trying to have a shit!’? – Romans 11:2-4

But concerning Israel he says, ‘All day long I have held out my hands, but nobody would high-five me. Is it because I’m a dung farmer!? Why won’t you love me?!!!!’ – Romans 10:21

And Isaiah boldly says, ‘I was found by those who did not seek me; I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me to do so.’ And that’s why Isaiah was arrested for public indecency. – Romans 10:20

If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe wholeheartedly, you will be saved. However, if you declare it with your anus whole-fartedly, you are worthy of hellfire! – Romans 10:9