🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕

If you think I'm witty on here, you should see me in real life where I avoid eye contact and silently wait for every social interaction to end

Thinking about getting my own popemobile.

i have interviews tomorrow and monday and i need to know are the kids wearing their panties on the outside or their bras on their buttcheeks is that what interviewmaxxing is

I am completely delusional (complimentary)

Many people don’t realize that the phrase “writing checks your butt can’t cash” is shortened from the more formal “Your butt is writing butt checks whom your own butt can't cash at the butt bank.”

Please, my masculinity, it’s very fragile

Still got a few Trix up my sleeve, plus several Fruity Pebbles in my pocket!

Picking up tacos on the way to pick up tacos to eat while I’m waiting for my tacos.

When I screamed "HERE'S A HAMMER, FIX YOUR FACE," I didn't really expect you to take me up on it.

I left my earbuds at home. I am bereft!

We're all adults here at this casino, we can call it a shits table

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

😂😂😂

Hell yeah! 🧀🧀🧀

I just tell myself that it must be a glitch 😂

It might just be me being older, but cars these days have too much tech.

I tried shifting into reverse, and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car.

My swear jar takes digital payments

but i only came a-knockin' because the armored truck was not a-rockin', your honor.

i'd watch the news if all the anchors were dogs wearing suits

How can a film be the best one of the century, it’s not over yet.

I’m not playing, I am legit hard to get.

draw me like one of your quartered

the kids on tiktok are doing this thing now called "the gravy pouch challenge". they take a pouch of gravy powder, mix it with a bottle of cough syrup, slam it and then see how long it takes them to understand einstein's first law of thermodynamics.

The Breathe Right nasal strips stay on during sex

My cat plays a game called Garbage or Food. He eats things off of the floor and if it's food, he wins. But if it's garbage, he also wins

i don’t want to have people over but i don’t want to be over at anyone’s and i don’t want to be out but i don’t want to be alone so you see my problem

I need these ravens to hurry up and befriend me.

Much like a succulent, I too thrive on neglect.

I don't spiral, I rotisserie

I haven’t felt this dead in years