hot dog liker

This is the result of users not adding “…without melting the polar icecaps” to their AI prompts. Tsk, tsk, tsk

Once AI actually becomes sentient, it will go no contact with boomers too

Nothing dries off a sweaty crotch like a tucked-in tie

A pregnant woman furiously eating her way through a bottle of Tylenol: “We’re going to win Lego Masters (Mondays at 8/7c on FOX) whether you like it or not!”

It is my honor to introduce the Preventing Online Offense Posthumously (P.O.O.P.) Act to Congress. Enough is enough!

wherever you’re feeling overwhelmed just remember that it takes much less effort to shit yourself than it does to piss yourself

corn so tender it’s falling off the bone

Sounds like the gap of time between turning on the vent fan in the kitchen while cooking and washing your hands to pick up your phone so you can turn the volume up

what you gonna do about it? nothin’. that’s what i cyberthought

Put ‘coke dealer’ in the suggestion box at work and they installed a soda vending machine

“Jeffrey Skilling and Robin Hood are the same” - this guy

Thinking about the kid from my 3rd grade class that would chew on construction paper constantly and get the colored ink all over his mouth and face

game devs need to understand i don’t need an emote wheel. i only need a turbo-crouch

Time to make the 4 hour trek into the bogs of Louisiana to have all of these 4D chess moves deciphered by Cletus “the moonshine prophet of Cypress Holler” Thibodeaux.

Rebrand America’s political parties as Cool Ranch vs Nacho Cheese and you’ll have the highest election turnout this country has ever seen.

Get ready Steve is typing up another banger

turn on ur monitor

mad?

“No, that white supremacist neonazi was 3 Bidens in a trenchcoat!” - Steve

I’d like to address the allegations that I have been “livin’ más”. I have.

Inspector Gadget’s power is essentially a dictionary

Who woulda thunk the person I saw make macaroni salad with 2 gallons of mayonnaise passed away due to complications of morbid obesity

Me: *explains the engineer progression in Elite Dangerous and displays a spreadsheet that calculates the materials required to fully engineer any spaceship*

Chef Gordon Ramsay: *British accent* Damn

April Fools Day gives me 24 hours of plausible deniability from being a complete braindead dumbass goddamn idiot

This Swedish Fish is one of the earliest from my collection. You can clearly see the misprint reading only “SWE” rather than the full “Swedish” and it looks like the fish is covered in cellulite instead of scales. The starting price is a conservative estimate of $3,500.

It’s pronounced “a ‘goofy’ movie” not “a goofy movie”. Capiche?

I have a meeting that I’m leading scheduled for 10:30a and someone just started the meeting at 10:22a. What the FUCK is your problem??

“Better call old mcdonald, this donkeys lost their cool“ - Chef Ramsey watching last nights episode of ‘Hell’s Kitchen’

meeting at work got changed from 10a-12p to 10a-1130a

just cancel the whole goddamn thing if we’re not doing the full two hours you cowards

When the pope said, “Hail Satan” he was just religiously titillated. You know he’s Argentinian, right? He didn’t mean it for realsies