Thanks to this I have been singing “circumcise my heart” in the style of Toni Braxton this morning
05.03.2026 13:20
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Thanks to this I have been singing “circumcise my heart” in the style of Toni Braxton this morning
Thinking about this again and laughed out loud
Arsenal fans are like liberal politicians: they apparently don’t care as much about winning as they do about the other side’s (permanently unattainable) respect
At least when I miss a game I only have to catch up on 4 or 5 corners later on
First training walk for my Himalayas trek done. Walked a couple of hours, ate two scones, walked another hour and half, ate a doughnut. So long as there are bakeries at 3000m altitude should be good
Not to sound like a real skull-measurer but Sucic really does look like Brozovic out there
I am not watching the game, as stressful games make me a worse parent
The stewards who removed that flair are the first Tottenham employees to get a touch in the Arsenal penalty area since the 52nd minute
Ah, i was offended because “kids are sponges and they come out with stuff like this all the time” scepticism is very bad and stupid; a lot of Americans are offended because they read it literally
A few minutes of towel-work followed by a set-piece goal and an injury. The 25/26 PL experience
Would have been funny if Haaland got a second yellow for the pull-back
This is the only acceptable time for a commentator to say ”no-one wants to see this”
We may need to shift the conversation around Aston Villa from “can they sustain this” to “why would god favour a team from Birmingham”
Contra the weirdest people on your timeline, being normal around kids is a good thing in a person and probably a politician too
Wow that is something else
In 2027, I'm trekking the lesser Himalayas with my dad to raise cash for Dove House Hospice in Hull. I'll also be working on a community project in New Delhi.
I need to raise £4000 for the charity, and any donation is welcome! Hospices do amazing work! Thank you!
www.justgiving.com/page/patrick...
Steven Gerrard, these players’ names are written in the Roman alphabet my brother
some weeks you need the UCL Goals Show constant flow of dopamine
My wife’s book, THIS IMMACULATE BODY, is out in paperback in the UK next week!
It‘s about a woman who becomes obsessed with the man whose flat she cleans. It’s funny, literary and has a disturbing, intoxicating narrative voice.
It’s available in the US as CREEP
www.waterstones.com/book/this-im...
This is probably only funny to me but Rich Piana dictated it to me in a dream
Me: I wonder if I should go back to creatine
Every fitness influencer: I drink 6 glasses of piss a day. Let me explain.
The NHS says that drinking more than 1.5 cups of piss may be bad for your health. So I recommend you start with 100ml of piss per kilo of body weight and build up slowly
have been wondering why my diet is so much easier this time round than before and then remembered that my broken hand = not weight-lifting and running 3-6 times a week
yeah but it's not great and they don't have passing or carrying stuff. I started out in 2015 with just Whoscored, then went to Understat, then FBref, not that excited to go back
People who already think my football analysis is shit are about to really see something
There are 3 25-year-olds on my train talking about how much they disliked the last season of Stranger Things and they can only articulate this in terms of continuity and “plot armour”. Might have to tick them off
<wipes away tear> it's so beautiful
Rorschach from Watchmen saying “but you won the fifa peace prize”
Dr manhattan vaporises Rorschach
As a shameless joke repeater, I am once again saying that these Botafogo guys are not players, they are a CDO
Arsenal have 5.9 xg across the last two games, but only 3 goals, so it should come as no surprise that Arsenal fans are complaining about the attack
