andy vs.

BOSS: We need you to think about your attire.

MICHELIN MAN: A tire! Got it!

[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope

1 week! 🥳🥳

Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.

Yeaaaahhhh!!! Congratulations 🥳

Brutal

Last time i was raptured they were all like no way, bro

It's always "have you considered medicating your ADHD" and never "thank you for the mentally-stimulating sentence structure"

Tortilla chip cereal.

no longer allowed to listen to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go while pumping gas

hey are you guys wang chungin tonight or

Clearly a forgery. Jesus dots his i with a heart.

*on antiques roadshow* I’m sorry…what?

Y’all mind if a white boy does a little unreliable narrating

couldn’t decide on a marktwayne or brucewayne joke so shut my head in the car door instead

I wouldn't try logging off you don't want to know what happened to the last guy

Or just a lil weirdo who wants to be a lettuce 😇

It's me Stefan it's for me

Who is the mist setting on showerheads even for? People who want the experience of being a head of lettuce at the grocery store?

Making friends at the bar by drinking cider and calling myself a pommelier

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

*raises the bar*

Bar: “put me down”

chewing on ice as it cracks my tooth in a seductive way

when life feels too predictable i like to play a lil game called What Happens If I Dont Take My Meds

Call me a joker, a smoker even a midnight toker but never a micro influencer.

i am only interested in content destroyers

I just made my fifth martini and now I have to add the sun to this painting and I think I am drunk enough

Some diggety lots of doubt

Is it markwaynes or markswayne

me: hi my name is william

markwayne: hi my names are markwayne

I think the guy in this training video hates me