ghost therapist: so… still haunting your ex?
ghost: it’s not like that
ghost therapist: i heard you moaned “why’d you leave me” in the corner of her bedroom for three hours last week
ghost: ok so maybe a little like that
james bond is so cool... I wish tuxedos were real
me before sleep: [sets alarm for 6:30]
me [at 6:30]: which psychopath set this alarm? i'm going to kill him
Quick question does anyone know how to restore virtue to a decaying society
I really have a love/hate relationship with sleep. I love it when I’m in it but hate it when I have to wake up
sometimes bluesky is like an uncrustable, but instead of pb&j, it’s filled with regret
personally, i got beef with zucchini. i can’t stand that vegetable, but that’s about it.
[first day as a stormtrooper]
me: *expertly shooting all of the enemies*
darth vader: (clears throat) can i see you in my office please
pizza rat was 11 years ago
chewing on ice as it cracks my tooth in a seductive way
Not doing anything unless my boss says “Simon says” first
People that ask you if you're really okay don't want you to say no.
person 1: Are you ok? person 2: I am acting like I am okay. Please don't interrupt my performance.
✨
Do you think that before we had houses, they called them cave flies?
wow you look so stunning lying about something i also watched happen
I want to make sweet sweet love to your mouth..
With my cooking 😉
My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.
ME: if bologna is pronounced “baloney” then lasagna is pronounced “lasaney”
WAITER: ok would you like grated cheese on your lasaney
put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format
Dear Bluesky user,
We have determined that the following post you made was both empirically true and also very funny, so have therefore decided to permanently delete your account.
Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”
“Meeting expectations since 1994.”
on a scale of 1-10 my life is at a "forgetting to sleep to binge-watching something until 4 am" level lately
I don't know what applications we'll use with Windows 12 but I know Windows 13 will be used with sticks and stones
(EVIL CITY GROUPCHAT)
WASHINGTON DC: lol bro youre burning down my embassy now
DUBAI: ITS NOT FUNNY PLS HELP
LONDON: we're not taking our influencers back
MIAMI: we'll take the hot ones
SAN SALVADOR: this is going to hurt crypto
CINCINNATI: why is no one picking up at the burj khalifa skyline
2 Ayatollah, 2 Khamenei
[in the courtroom]
judge: how do you plead?
me: usually by crying
what you think your thoughts will be on mushrooms: we are really nice, beauty exists everywhere and we love to be connected with other life beings in this planet
what your thoughts actually are on mushrooms: listen here you piece of shit you cannot kill me in a way that matters
If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.
and sherlock holmes!
