tiny tiny cat

(guy who thinks the "W" in "W in the chat" stands for Wario) mamma mia

don’t forget to destroy your clocks tonight, walk away from your mortgage, just start driving, you’re free

Video games used to have only captions when the characters talked, which means video games used to be reading. Now video games are TV

liverwurst? more like liverworst am I right guys?

ghost therapist: so… still haunting your ex?

ghost: it’s not like that

ghost therapist: i heard you moaned “why’d you leave me” in the corner of her bedroom for three hours last week

ghost: ok so maybe a little like that

james bond is so cool... I wish tuxedos were real

me before sleep: [sets alarm for 6:30]

me [at 6:30]: which psychopath set this alarm? i'm going to kill him

Quick question does anyone know how to restore virtue to a decaying society

I really have a love/hate relationship with sleep. I love it when I’m in it but hate it when I have to wake up

sometimes bluesky is like an uncrustable, but instead of pb&j, it’s filled with regret

personally, i got beef with zucchini. i can’t stand that vegetable, but that’s about it.

[first day as a stormtrooper]

me: *expertly shooting all of the enemies*

darth vader: (clears throat) can i see you in my office please

pizza rat was 11 years ago

chewing on ice as it cracks my tooth in a seductive way

Not doing anything unless my boss says “Simon says” first

People that ask you if you're really okay don't want you to say no.

person 1: Are you ok? person 2: I am acting like I am okay. Please don't interrupt my performance.

✨

Do you think that before we had houses, they called them cave flies?

wow you look so stunning lying about something i also watched happen

I want to make sweet sweet love to your mouth..

With my cooking 😉

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

ME: if bologna is pronounced “baloney” then lasagna is pronounced “lasaney”

WAITER: ok would you like grated cheese on your lasaney

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

Dear Bluesky user,

We have determined that the following post you made was both empirically true and also very funny, so have therefore decided to permanently delete your account.

Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”

on a scale of 1-10 my life is at a "forgetting to sleep to binge-watching something until 4 am" level lately

I don't know what applications we'll use with Windows 12 but I know Windows 13 will be used with sticks and stones

(EVIL CITY GROUPCHAT)

WASHINGTON DC: lol bro youre burning down my embassy now

DUBAI: ITS NOT FUNNY PLS HELP

LONDON: we're not taking our influencers back

MIAMI: we'll take the hot ones

SAN SALVADOR: this is going to hurt crypto

CINCINNATI: why is no one picking up at the burj khalifa skyline

2 Ayatollah, 2 Khamenei

[in the courtroom]

judge: how do you plead?

me: usually by crying