SmartassChef

Look, if you're going to be sad here, you have to be funny too, ok.

I feel like the people who come up with rain scented things have never actually smelled rain

I don't know what my body fat percentage is, but I'm 65% mashed potatoes and gravy

You can't fix stupid but you can catch it if you're not careful.

This is only where it begins. By your 50s you will be able to NGAF beyond your wildest imagination.

DOG: It all started when I discovered my tail

DOG THERAPIST: *looking up from notes* And what did vou do?

DOG: *sobbing uncontrollably* I STARTED CHASING IT AND NOW I CAN’T STOP

As a tall person, just one time at the grocery store I would love a short person to help me grab something from the bottom shelf.

Men writing romance novels:

"Her farts were like wind-chimes in a light summer breeze"

[sign in the terminator's kitchen]

come with me if you want to live, laugh, love

[spelling bee]

Your word is 'apathy.’

"Can you please use it in a sentence?"

Of course I can, but does anyone really care?

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Spouse of the blacksheep at the family reunion is an underused Hollywood archetype

Babe have you seen my old cargo pants? I don't want to take my dress cargos camping

when you’re dating someone new and don’t wanna freak them out

[screaming into the void]

you can’t handle the context

True story

I was on the dean's list in college. I just didn't say which list.

A little pineapple roasted chicken with habanero fermented honey glaze with coconut basmati rice and pineapple-jalapeño pico de gallo.

You see me from across the room. I'm eating the green part of the watermelon and throwing the rest away. You are utterly mesmerized.

I’m not going to just sit here and pretend everything is fine. I will also do that while standing, driving, walking my dog, sleeping, shopping for groceries, and talking on the phone. There is really NO LIMIT to all the places you can pretend everything is fine.