I already presume no one listens to me so I can't even frame this as a call for help. It's more of a log. A log of how I'm trying to make myself up so that I can give myself a path to pick myself up next time. The hard part now is figuring out how to pick myself up in the first place
Figuring that out feels like a grand revelation, I just don't know how to fix it. Cuz if I'm not right and I'm also not wrong then I'm just a guy and who's listening to just a guy?
It basically comes down to I need to be right or I don't exist because if I'm not right I'm wrong and that's a mistake and that makes me a mistake. And people don't like mistakes
But when I always have to be right when I can't make a mistake and I don't know how to be wrong in a productive way, I don't have conversations I just preach and the more I preach the more anyone would ignore it and turn away. Further feeding the lack of self worth.
I think because of that I've only ever had conversations with people by the meeting something from me or already agreed with me. I had to be correct, to achieve something, to improve something in order to be acknowledged and that eternalized as I have to be right to have value.
News to me. The question then is, what does that look like in terms of % of games on steam and % of games released that year? Because if that percent trends downward, it tells a whole other story.
I saw one of those shareholder value memes and I can't help but think how that/grind culture has broken me. I've been inundated with that shit for decades and now I have near-zero self-worth aside from how much value I can bring someone else. Must be why all of my relationships are transactional.
There's so much me reflected in this that it's surreal. I'm glad that Ian is on the way to getting better and is finding ways to be his own support that he can lean on. Maybe I can get there too one day.
these were a given
βοΈ #FORTNITE | HOSHIMACHI SUISEI β Novas MΓΊsicas chegando ao Fortnite Festival na quinta-feira (12):
β’ BIBBIDIBA - Hoshimachi Suisei
β’ Stellar Stellar - Hoshimachi Suisei
I booted up the game for the first time in maybe a month and upon hearing the familiar music I felt paresthesia, but I don't know if it was good or bad.
Burnout still burnouts. Time has not helped it much. My extrinsic motivation is gone and my intrinsic motivation feels like it's down to threads
Collage of photos of the bands kessoku band, Yorushika, Atlus Sound Team, YOASOBI, Thank You Scientist
β« Top 5 artists of the Last.week: kessoku band (9) Yorushika (9) Atlus Sound Team (8) YOASOBI (8) Thank You Scientist (7). #myweekcounted 41 Scrobbles with Lastfm #music via @lastfm.blue
Collage of photos of the bands kessoku band, Yorushika, Atlus Sound Team, YOASOBI, Thank You Scientist
β« Top 5 artists of the Last.week: kessoku band (9) Yorushika (9) Atlus Sound Team (8) YOASOBI (8) Thank You Scientist (7). #myweekcounted 41 Scrobbles with Lastfm #music via @lastfm.blue
Weekly chart
β« Top 5 artists of the Last.week: Hoshimachi Suisei (16) Thank You Scientist (13) Mori Calliope (4) ζθ‘γγγγ (4) Ado (3). #myweekcounted 40 Scrobbles with Lastfm #music via @lastfm.blue
i guess it's time to stop being burnt out. things need getting done and who else but me
Weekly chart
β« Top 5 artists of the Last.week: Hoshimachi Suisei (12) Ado (4) Dezolve (4) Mori Calliope (4) Tokoyami Towa (4). #myweekcounted 28 Scrobbles with Lastfm #music via @lastfm.blue
I think I can say with relative confidence that aside from two old friends, every interpersonal relationship I've had only lasts as long as I'm useful. When I'm not a net positive value, I stop existing.
everything is transactional
I find shooting as a game mechanic to be inherently boring and unengaging to me
Local discord had some difficulty finding what was instock at the holoshop for bulk orders so I whipped up a tool for just that. tryp.tech/holostock
Weekly chart
β« Top 5 artists of the Last.week: Tokoyami Towa (9) Thank You Scientist (8) Ado (7) Houshou Marine (6) Mori Calliope (6). #myweekcounted 36 Scrobbles with Lastfm #music via @lastfm.blue
As invisible as ever
I drew Niko!
Worked through many years of rust π
#γγ³γγζγγγ #HoloAtelier
I drew Niko!
Worked through many years of rust π
#γγ³γγζγγγ #HoloAtelier
Got my guitars back from the shop and they feel like butter now. Especially the DiD guitar. If only the action was this low when I recorded for CG...
π§βπ§
