Kalvin the Reindeer

[from the skylight above] they also play hockey

MOVIE EXEC: no idea is a bad idea

ME: a farm romance about two feuding sheep who unexpectedly fall in love

MOVIE EXEC: get out

ME: bleated rivalry

Friend: I found your doppelganger

*shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

it's okay to have fun during spooky month even if you're having a whole spooky life

bad news. it’s actually pretty nice having clothes put away instead of in a pile

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

Nothing like having a bunch of your childhood heroes die in quick succession to remind you to load the dishwasher correctly.

wife: your life insurance premium paid up?
me: yeah
wife: good
me: why?
wife: no reason
me: ...
wife: ...
me: ...
wife: here, taste this

sorry to be controversial but clowns should've never been allowed to drive cars. the shoe to pedal ratio is too high and it is a recipe for danger

[high school graduation]

SON: why are you crying?

ME: *thinking about how proud I am and how much I'm going to miss him and how life goes too fast* because your mom made me wear dress shoes

The smallest type of animal is a minimal

In hindsight, it was a bad move to install the mulberry bushes. We’ve lost a lot of weasels.

Ivan to take it back but it's too late.

Russian roulette is like regular roulette as long as you haven’t died nyet.

I know. I've been staring at it for 6 hours.

there should be an emotional pain scale like 0-10+, how many funny animal reels do you have to watch per day to stay alive

The perfect bird feeder doesn't exi--

a woman having her eyes clawed by a fluffy white cat

this should automatically happen when you’re tempted to look at a muted reply

It's funny being remote and hating your job and saying things like "I gotta get out of this place" but the place is like your house

40 out of 50 dentists agree that fractions was a waste of time.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france

FRIEND: nice

ME: no paris

If you hate Mondays so much why don’t you eat lasagna about it pal

When Kendrick said "bing bop boom boom boom bop bam" I felt that

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

DETECTIVE: whoever says the rhyme did the crime

SUSPECT 1: it wasn’t me

SUSPECT 2: it wasn't me

ME: nor did I make him die

MY LAWYER: *pinches the bridge of his nose*

he won't admit it but I did

A jury but it's all dogs

Got kicked out of the garden centre for whispering 'With great flower comes great beesponsibility' to all their customers.

i can’t wait to love my child no matter who they love

“At first, I was afraid I was petrified"

- paranoid wood