𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖 𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝

No wonder Kristi's hubby didn’t divorce her for going to the bone zone with Corey. He didn’t want to end up in the same gravel pit as Cricket.

Commander Biden

Brave Cricket never stood a chance. And remember, Kristi Noem threatened to shoot Commander Biden too.

Celebrating Noem’s firing.

Animal Control reports a 300% spike in tail-wagging and celebratory bleating.

"Sir, why did you appoint the world's angriest gym teacher?"

Trump thought long and hard about who would replace Kristi Noem and finally said, “What if we just hired the angriest gym teacher?”

Markwayne on January 6

Putting Markwayne Mullin in charge of guarding the country is like putting the bouncer from Applebee’s in charge of NORAD.

Dumb-as-a-Box-of-Hammers Markwayne Mullins' name sounds like a NASCAR driver who lost the car but kept the sponsorship patches.

Kristi Noem's PC auto-connects to Starbucks now.

Kristi Noem fired.

Noem found out she was fired the same way everyone else did...by refreshing Twitter with a cup of coffee and a growing sense of dread. ☕📱

I fired my therapist on March 5, 2020 because she said I had problems letting go of the past.

Even the biggest problems in the world just fade away when you're stuck in traffic and need to pee.

Also, his predecessor in the job during Trump's first term was John Rood. John released the money to Ukraine that Trump wanted to hold over Ukraine's head to get them to open an investigation on Joe Biden. John was fired and it has taken him years to rebuild his career. ETTD.

He's not dumb.

Colby's strategy appears to be: play dumb long enough and eventually someone else becomes confused.

Kristi Noem answered questions like a cat avoiding bath time.

He's William Colby's grandson (former CIA Director) so lying is genetically imprinted.

I choose every word very carefully. 🤣

Don’t blame the Dems because Republicans are evil shits.

This is Gonzales‘ opponent, Brandon Herrera, a YouTuber known as the AK Guy.

Capitol Hill panic meter:
Level 1: Concerned
Level 2: Deeply concerned
Level 3: Appearing on cable news before breakfast

Did you get your client off?

Borowitz report

Send the whole blunt rotation. By the time it gets back to the first person, Iran will have agreed to three treaties and a ceasefire. Credit: Borowitz Report

Rep. Gonzales admits to affair with aide who later set herself on fire “I made a mistake,” said the Texas Republican, hours after the House Ethics Committee announced it would investigate allegations that he “engaged in sexual misconduct.”

Texas politics: Congressman has affair with staffer, denies it, then admits a “lapse in judgment” after she kills herself. Ethics Committee now reading texts like disappointed parents and the AK Guy makes it an even weirder show. 🎭
wapo.st/4cs53VY

Overheard

Everyone talks about Cricket but Tater Tot knew what was coming and never even flinched.

Not about Brittany.

I was 15 when we invaded Iraq and believed in BrIttany - I don’t recognize America now.