jess 🧦 [ham]

me: but i don’t have an addiction

therapist: 👀 (gestures to featherly friends)

can i go home early? my shoes make fart sounds when i walk

someone said “howdy” to me today & i was like ? howdy pardner? then they reminded me that my shirt, the one i was wearing, the one i picked out, did in fact say HOWDY

mona lisa? i hardly know her! folks,

I think the first words I would say coming out of a coma would be, “no please not this again.”

Its swimsuit season, I whisper, eating another swimsuit

shout out to the 20 year anniversary ads for greys anatomy that have me chanting “pick me! choose me! love me!” to everyone, everywhere, and at all times.

Never a dull moment? How about just a few. Please

never ever 😂

wowww

ahh (grimacing) the yearning (gripping my hair) it’s back

me: yeah just kinda down lately. i got kicked off my royal match team, not sure why 😔

therapist: you didn’t do anything wrong

missed YOU!

(throwing a turtle in a tight spiral like a football)

I'm open to being wrong I just never am

LOVE YOU, mean it

A tall saguaro cactus let up by the setting sun. The sky is beautiful and lit up in yellows oranges and pinks.

My painting SAGUARO

sorry i tempted your husband & it caused y’all to move to another state. & sorry that state was missouri.

Just boarded a flight. No way is this a "service" alligator.

look. i just. psh. y’know?

(reading the specs of a clown car) wow 32 cupholders

my speed dating for turtles business didn't do so well.

(slaps student driver’s hand away from the turn signal) NEVER let ‘em know your next move

HEY ITS 4pm SOMEWHERE I say at 9:42am

ugh fine i'll be the pope

Two NYT headlines stating the WH wants to promote more childbearing and the EPA is ending testing for chemicals that hurt children.

Two headlines in the New York Times today.

a microwave that counts up instead

PREACH

rip rest in pope