Me last night: “If I’m going to have any hope of getting everything done that I need to tomorrow, I need to swear off bluesky for the day.”
Me this morning: “Oh, look, another person liked the video of my dog!”
The subject of the first email in my inbox today said, “Hi Nichole, what will life be like ten years from now?” and like, why are you ruining my Friday morning like that?
Not to brag, but according to my junk mail, I've been selected for over 253 million special offers
(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine
The desperate attempt at humor will continue until the world is no longer so heartless and grim my god it is so grim
Zen monk: Goals
Do you ever not think?
baja blast bidets
Me on dates: "Did you know medieval people bathed, vikings didn't have horns on their helmets, Hugo Boss didn't design the Nazi uniforms, the beaked plague doctor mask didn't exist during the Black Death, Moors didn't introduce soap to Europe, Napoleon didn't shoot the nose..."
In 1971, the LA Dept. of Airports still had high hopes that an international airport would be built in Palmdale.
This promo is like something out of The Simpsons. Left to right, you have busy LAX, then Ontario, then regional Van Nuys, then bare-ass tumbleweed desert in Palmdale.
Once you hit the 30’s threshold you begin casserole maxxing
🫵 ✊
I ate an inadvisable amount of cheese.
Isn’t fifty bazillion one serving? We are talking about deviled eggs after all.
I know 🧐
Deviled eggs on a
tray. How many can I eat?
Forty bazillion
Some days I wish I was a smoker (no, not for meat...well...maybe)
Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.
Come to H&R Block and let one of our experts raw dog your taxes.
🤓
Markwayne Merkin
Pro Tip: When lining up the spray nozzle with the little red dot on a can of WD-40, don't have it pointing at your face.
when i was a kid if you wanted to get a mcdonald’s hamburger you had to open the mcdonald’s catalogue, fill in a 13 digit number on an order form, put the form & a check in an envelope, send it away & about 6 to 8 weeks later a hamburger would be delivered right to your house.
You're in the mood for cheese. Not to eat. Just to caress your face with.
[pulling out laptop on a date] want to see my collection of browsers
call me old fashioned but I bring enough raw hot dogs onto the plane for everyone
Need a lamp that gives a polyester and sparkling wine kind of vibe.
"You make me happy" I say to my wife, a giant cheeseburger.
Meeting my sustainability goals by avoiding all conversations.
My musings on phonics and philosophy are collected
in my new book “And Sometimes, Why?”
