IDGAF Certified

"At least, under Mussolini, the trains ran on time."

What's the equivalent today? At least they stopped minting pennies?

Having the skin flayed from your body whilst holding a plank pose is... What's that, a seven on the McGill Questionnaire?

A dog brush, with a hand holding an impressive amount of freshly brushed dog hair.

I guess that's my sign to switch the thermostat to cooling.

I made your LLM vibe code me a new LLM that works exactly the same, and now the code is all GPL. I call it Clod.

No matter the results of the midterms, the same group will inevitably win by a landslide: "Did Not Vote"

That went from precision airstrikes to full-blown clusterfuck in record time.

The second oldest trick is believing that your opponent knows what they're doing.

Regime change starts at home.

I'm not sure if I'd be all that upset if, say, a dozen hellfire missiles rained down on Mar-a-lago at 26.6768981, -80.0379093 and everyone present instantly perished in a massive conflagration.

I'm willing to let someone test it out.

I, too, expect my wife to get rid of any reminders of our marriage within a few months after she has me assassinated. It was in our vows.

I'll be honest. I kinda miss when the biggest existential threat I had to worry about was COVID.

Ugh. Can we not?

New rule. No more David Lynch at bedtime. Eraserhead dreams. Enough said.

Think of all the things you know of the "smell like rotten eggs".

Now, when have you ever smelled an actual rotten egg?

Linguists: The English language is completely fucked up. Shifting, contradictory word meanings. Inconsistent, vague grammar. More exceptions than rules.

The Internet: Truth is an illusion. 90% of "facts" are lies.

AI devs: We trained our LLM mostly on English content from the internet.

The real hero of A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms is its casting. Dunk and Egg? Perfection. All the other smarmy, inbred entitled shits? Somehow they've found the most punchable faces acting today. 🤜🤴

Must stay focused. Must continue to rage, to dismantle the fascist regime...

But, sad monkey got hugs!

Anybody else's dog have a middle name you only use when they're in trouble?

Regardless of politics and personal history, anyone interested in public speaking should study tapes of Jesse Jackson. If you were to list the ten greatest speakers of the last 100 years, Jackson would be at least three of them.

Anyway, I haven't been sleeping well lately, which is affecting my memory and concentration. That's giving me some anxiety about my mental health, which means I haven't been sleeping well lately...

Doctor: Sure, your body is starting to show the signs of aging, but your mind is still sharp.

Me: Sorry. What were we talking about?

I wonder if that guy that just wanted to zoom a zoom zoom in a boom boom ever hooked up with the girl that really really wanted to zig zig ah.

Sounds like they would have gotten along.

Scammers and robocallers: We need to ramp up volume. Nobody answers the phone anymore.

Everyone: I don't bother answering the phone anymore. It's always scams or robocalls.

I'd love a plushie of my character, but I was thinking more like Sean's cashapp

How can I give you more money, aside from buying the game for a friend?

My kid's gonna need a reliable set of wheels of his own pretty soon...

Only if there's also live demons on stage.

Bad Bunny, 2026 Superbowl halftime

Glad to see David Byrne's suit from Stop Making Sense is still getting work.

My dude. You have the phone in your hand. You are actively texting someone who immediately texts you back. Can you please turn down the "annoying wind chimes" notifications?