Ruby’s Actual Father

So close-igami 😞

Sign up for a new service, give them your personal info, they get hacked, you get $5 from the class action, repeat until you become a billionaire, create your own service, get people to sign up, get hacked, give everyone $5, repeat until the heat death of the universe or whatever the fuck

derp

BUT BUT BUT GROCERIES WERE TOO EXPENSIVE 🥲🥲 KAMALA WASNT PROGRESSIVE ENOUGH 🥲🥲 fuck all y’all for not voting blue just because you didn’t want to do it simply to prevent orange slime’s 2nd term. Hop in the Delorean and go back in time and see if you can vote correctly maybe? Place is fucked

The 80s were 20 years ago. The 90s were less than 10 years ago. 2000 was 50 years ago. 2010 was simply “a strange time.” 2016 was both a million years ago and also literally yesterday. 2020 [REDACTED]. 2021 never happened. 2025 is 1942. Stay saucy fam.

How do you get bots to stop following you? I get a new notification about one like every hour for days now #bots

Wanting to date hot people is weird because they’re the only people that don’t have to be nice or have a personality to have positive experiences in society. I prefer a partner that was ugly in school and is still kind of ugly and acts weird af for this very reason

Social media is literally just: “bad thing is bad” and softcore porn. We used to rank our friends publicly like a civilized species. The MySpace Top 8 fed families and kept everyone in line. We got to see who was cheating with who on Snapchat in real time. There’s just no accountability these days

Bangs are great because they hide the part we hate most about people: their brain

ACAB includes anyone who’s mad at me

Dentist: *slides machete blade against my gums*

Gums: *bleed*

Dentist: This wouldn’t be happening if you flossed more, filthy animal

Me: Do I get my sticker now?

Dentist: That’ll be $953. Are you available at 6am 26 Wednesdays from today?

Me: That’s kinda early for a date, but maybe 👹

In 1860, The Pony Express delivered messages from coast to coast in roughly 10 days which is about how long it takes to get a text back from someone in 2024! The best traditions carry on for centuries 🤩

ACAB includes anyone who’s mad at me

A Netflix show where contestants issue an ultimatum to their current partner where they have to get married or make a replica of their partner using cake blindfolded. The Ultimatum: Is Love Cake Blind?

I made Apple Intelligence rewrite “Aye girl what that thang do?” to be Professional and it changed it to “Could you please clarify the purpose of that action?” Pretty sure Steve Jobs just turned over in his grave

What I mean when I say I have a tooth fairy kink

Bangs are great because they hide the part we hate most about people: their brain

Social media is literally just: “bad thing is bad” and softcore porn. We used to rank our friends publicly like a civilized species. The MySpace Top 8 fed families and kept everyone in line. We got to see who was cheating with who on Snapchat in real time. There’s just no accountability these days

Wanting to date hot people is weird because they’re the only people that don’t have to be nice or have a personality to have positive experiences in society. I prefer a partner that was ugly in school and is still kind of ugly and acts weird af for this very reason

Schrödinger’s Cat Cake - Put a cat-shaped object that might be made of cake and Mikey Day with a knife in a room. The quantum superposition of the object is both cake and not cake until Mikey gets bored and collapses the wave function by cutting into it #IsItCake #IsItCat

A successful Oppsgiving! Only 3 arrests, 17 broken bones, and 4 concussions this year. This divided nation may come together after all

Went to the front door to check if the Thanksgiving Turkey left me a cornucopia of treats as foretold in the sacred texts, but instead it was an Easter basket 😓

All I want for Thanksgiving is for Fruit of the Loom to admit they used to have a cornucopia in their logo so the world can begin healing

Subscribed to Apple News+ last month and still haven’t gotten one match despite swiping endlessly. People magazine just seems hellbent on showing me as many articles about airplane passenger snafus as possible. This is NOT designed to be deleted in a good way unfortunately

Schrödinger’s wiener is either tiny or huge. His favorite position is the superposition though

Depends which one Zooey is married to

Wayne Gretzky, playing hockey, text beside says You Miss You Don’t Take. A play on a real quote by Gretzky

That’s not very “increasing shareholder value” of you *spits*

If there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster, He will have to beg my forgiveness