Ben Rosen

🚨i’ve seen enough out of texas

the stars at night are big AND bright

5 year olds today: i have every piece of media i could ever want to consume, on demand at all times, designed specifically for my likes and interests

5 year old me: i guess i have to listen to the crash test dummies

the location of the 2030 Olympics reading “French Alps, Nice”

me when i see the french alps

whenever people are mad at her I assume it’s about that video

i’m so sorry we couldn’t keep you safe from this

elmo should not be collaborating with blippi. it’s like when they make paul mccartney perform with jelly roll at the grammys. this is beneath you elmo

anyone: love is good :) we should all be friends :)

republicans: why the fuck is this guy attacking me

WINTER OLYMPIC ATHLETE: *does the most impressive and dangerous athletic maneuver I have ever seen in my life*

COMMENTATOR: oooh she has to be disappointed with that run. if she commits self harm we would all understand

sounds like me and my wife. i want some and i get zero. but seriously

hate to hurt a good friend but that’s business

now this is the everything app

my wife loves me because i’m handsome. yeah i handsome money to her to go shopping. folks

*guy who has the wrong takeaway from the epstein files* he was doing email too much. thats too much screentime

every epstein email exchange is like

TENURED PROFESSOR: jeffrey,, another wonderful trip with your "friend's" . i hope to visit your wild wild island aggain soon. your life is a delicilous secret :)

JEFFREY EPSTEIN: yes

george: jerry, i'm going to the bone temple!
jerry: bone temple?
george: bone temple!
elaine: a guy took me to the bone temple once....he wasn't exactly samson
kramer: *bursts into apartment, infected*

why is everyone randomly talking about 2016, that was 3 to 6 years ago

the problem with an untrained secret police squad that shoots people in their cars isn’t that they’re untrained

more training, more money, better people - these ideas won’t fix anything. the only way to put an end to this ongoing national embarrassment is to abolish the new york jets

schumer: we don't need to abolish ice, we need to abolish PRICE...s.....that are........bad....and high

i’m not afraid of the curtiz crew

directors from the 30s are so cool, they all made one stone cold undeniable triumph that will live forever and 47 other movies called “She’s Running Around”

yeah i have peter pan syndrome

(dustin hoffman wants me dead)

if you’re not gen z you will never be brought to mind

forgetting all my old acquaintances unless I am convinced otherwise by song

jeremy strong in springsteen: deliver me from nowhere in a yellow turtleneck and glasses

jeremy strong in the springsteen movie looks like they made an oscar bait minions adaptation

Samuel L Jackson saying “Yes he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell”

kevin mcallister:

every single person in kevin mcallister’s immediate and extended family:

was visited by three ghosts last night who said i’m making great choices and to basically keep doing what i’m doing

Kevin O’Leary on Shark Tank

I was born in 1601. I am a vampire. And for that reason I’m out.

is there any better feeling than when the scissors just effortlessly glide along as you’re starting a c-section

the songwriter who figured out holly rhymes with jolly: oh my god. oh my GOD